I have thought terrible things about myself. I have painted myself in the ugliest light possible. And you, with no reason to suspect otherwise, have probably believed me.

What am I really? I feel I have no capacity for self-knowledge sometimes. Nearly everything I've ever written reads like a lie to me. And that is not my philosophy -- I want to evolve, but not be so flighty, so transient. I ought to have some unshakable, fixed core, made of strong stuff -- and recognizable. It scares me to always be reaching -- and every next day to condemn myself for what I was reaching for yesterday.

And all the same, I think I have (maybe I'm afraid that I have) reached a point of contentment (terrible word) -- I keep trying to force myself to think new things when, really, I know what I think. I've had the same conception of the ideal relationship for at least a year. My recent entries were no revelation. I know what I want -- I know what I believe -- and I have grown comfortable with all that.

So -- I want to have a fixed core and yet detest the settled-ness of actually having one? Or does this one not feel quite authentic to me?

My god, I am tired of these questions, these same questions, these same words.

I am happy! Is that so terrible? (I scream at myself.)

Let us put these thoughts to rest. I am a caring person. I have trouble expressing my affection. I am capable of loving deeply. I know what love means to me -- and I believe in it. I like almost everyone individually. Masses of people drive me crazy. I can be loyal but I will never commit (promise) myself. I don't believe in religion. I believe in energy and love and the earth, and I know I'm more than my body -- so call that what you will. I am not afraid of death. I don't want to die. I believe in uncompromised free will and I strive for transcendence. I am smart, I am qualified, but I need to work harder. I love and miss my family. I need to be needed. I hope for reciprocity. I don't want friends just to have something to do on a Saturday night, and if I avoid empty interactions that does not make me an unfeeling bitch, or "pathologically antisocial." Honesty is the highest virtue. Freedom is the only thing that makes any of this worthwhile. I am not silly. Or naïve. Do not condescend to me ever. I like who I am and I know what I want and I will not hate myself for things I have worked so hard to be and wouldn't have any other way ever again.

There. That's the core. I have no need to question myself on any of these points again. & in a moment I will accept it and stop feeling badly.

I put these thoughts away to just get through this day and I say I could do this in my sleep. At most, I could do this in my sleep.
Matt Keating