I was obviously lying yesterday, because right now I'm kicking myself for not bringing my paper diary as there is an entry in it I would like to share with you.

Well, here's the thing: it is important for me to not think of my paper diary as merely a staging area for Diaryland. I am more honest when I believe my thoughts are for my eyes only, and I need to record these thoughts for self-preservation, or posterity, or something.

On the other hand, for my obsessive archive purposes, I'd prefer to have everything in one place. And I'm still a linguistic exhibitionist and need my words to be read.

So -- I probably will continue to type most of my entries, omitting the particularly inane and personal comments. Frustrating as this may be, I will mark these sections with [omission] to call my attention to these spots for my own purposes.

Also, I feel the need to qualify the other thing I said yesterday. The truth is, I was just specifically and very intensely missing my father this weekend. Everything was reminding me of him. So when Aimee Mann's song "Dad" came up on my cd player (the lyrics to which apparently do not exist on the internet) I was very near tears, and the last lines of the song are something like "I have a dad who watches over me," so my crazy thought process goes: Oh, is her dad dead? Could my dad be dead? Oh my god, my dad is dead.

But really, I was just struck with the terrifying thought of what it would be like if he, or anyone else in my family, died while I was over here. And I realized all the things I'd never said to him, all the time with him that had been taken from me, and how I had conditioned myself to believe that it was all right. But it's not all right. I miss my dad.

So that's that, that's the other thing, tonight I will type up the entry that screams THAT'S THAT, and from there I will move on to new topics -- both deeper and more mundane -- but committedly different. And that's the way it's going to be.

Apparently the "Dad" song is not Aimee Mann at all but rather K's Choice -- trying to hear it in my head, I'm not even 100% sure the song I'm thinking of is an Aimee Mann cover, because I can definitely hear it in the K's Choice vocalist's voice. Oh well, I'm a musical dumbass after all. This is the song, anyway.

I was a kid, you were my dad
I didn't always understand
I wanted freedom, you got mad
You were concerned, I got upset
I didn't recognize you yet

And did you cry, I know I did
When I lied to you
I didn't want to hurt you
I just never knew I did

You never told me that you loved me
I know you didn't know how
I guess that shows we're much the same
'Cause I love you too and until now
I've never said those words out loud
I hope you're proud
To be my dad...

What are your secrets, do you pray
Is there a god that shows your way
I wish I knew...
Do you have crazy fantasies
What happens in your dreams
I want to know...

I guess you'll always be a mystery to me
But you taught me how to value life
And what else do I need
I have a dad who watches over me

(And this stupid evil song makes me want to cry again just formatting it, but at least, at least, we have always said "I love you." I love my dad.)