I only wanted more than I knew
Freedom and honesty, freedom and honesty... yes, that is so exactly it.
I do feel like I know what I want! It feels so clear all of a sudden. I do realize that my first and only attempt at a "traditional relationship" was too dorky and short-lived to say I know for sure it could never be for me: but when do I ever say I know anything for sure? I am a staunch agnostic, a committed fence-sitter, in all ways. Sure, maybe. I'm all about accepting more possibilities, not shutting old ones off for good.
But limited though my experience may be I still know myself, and it's so obvious:
How hard it always was for me to imagine what love would feel like in contrast to great friendship, and here the answer is: no different. I am looking for great friendship! Different dynamics between different people, certainly -- but the core and the totality is friendship, Edith's camaraderie. That is the meaningful bond for me.
And how I've always felt that I would get tired of a lover and want to discard him after five days, or thought the best kind of relationship would be one in which one or both of us traveled frequently and we'd rarely see each other. Yes, I would grow tired of a conventional lover -- there's nothing inherently wrong in that if he knew it from the start, of course -- a typical boyfriend would bore me. But I'd never grow tired of a great friend.
Typical boyfriend: obligations. That is what I find tiresome. We have to hold hands now; I have to send you flowers today; it's been two months so we'd better move to the "next level." Once you've kissed you have to kiss every night or something's wrong; once you've had sex kissing will never be enough again. Oh, the obligation, the assumption of logical progression -- that is what I cannot stand.
With friendship, everything just evolves so much easier; there are no hurdles, and what obligations exist you want to meet: your friend calls at 3am with a crisis, you want to help. You always pay only for what you order at a restaurant. You write when you have something to say, hug when you mean it. Friends can come and go as they please. No obligation -- friendship is freedom.
What need have I that a great friend couldn't fulfill? This is what I need from other people:
- Understanding -- know me and accept me.
- Allow me to be completely free -- friendship/love can't be based on need, and we must be able to go when we need to.
- Uncensored honesty -- especially about feelings: if they change, if they are not equal, it is all right but must be dealt with honestly.
- Space, space, space: don't crowd me! I love my solitude, too.
- A certain agreement about physicality: I will want to be held &c sometimes by some people, but this shouldn't necessarily be assumed to be "something we do" with an obligation to keep doing it.
- Sharing, sharing, don't hold back... I grow the most through the new insight gained through friendship.
- Full disclosure: I want to know who your friends are!
- But no jealousy - we must try not to be jealous and hoard our love.
What other needs do I have? If there are any, I can meet them myself!
The more I think about it the more I think I would not be easily made jealous -- given full honesty and the mutual understanding of freedom. I imagine I would naturally sometimes become particularly attached to one individual -- would that be my "best friend"? Haha, I don't know, it would be what it would be. No assumptions, no obligations. Just allowed to be, easy. Through friendship I would be able to exist freely in every moment -- let it unfold naturally -- love honestly. That is authentic love for me: Passionate friendship. Perhaps in some ways it goes to the same end as "traditional relationships," but it is to my mind a much more organic way of getting there.
There -- I know what I want: I know how to articulate what I'm looking for. Perhaps I will not feel so terrified the next time I meet someone truly amazing because I will know how to say to them: I don't want to feel any obligation; I don't want to be "your girlfriend"; I want to feel free to do only what feels right; and wouldn't it be nice to walk along the river with you tonight?
Yes, this feels like a definite accomplishment, I feel I have come very far. I know myself and I am open to new things. I do know what would satisfy me. I no longer think I'm a freak because I have never been sexually attracted to another person in my life; I could explain that to someone, and explain how I could still love them well. The clarity is exhilarating: I know myself, I know love, and I am open, open, wanting to know other people.
The fire you like so much in me is the mark of someone adamantly free.
Liz Phair