All week I've been wondering if there was something wrong with me -- I hadn't been feeling the effects of culture shock at all. Not even an early elation -- I've been on an even keel. It's not like I've made a lot of friends or been constantly busy or seen a lot of the sights. I'm just in Europe and it's been all right.

I guess I'm feeling a bit down today, though. I have been chronically tired all week and today I laid in bed three hours without realizing. I'm not really homesick -- I wouldn't rather be home, or even in Marietta -- but

I guess it's just the feeling that I don't fit in here. Wanting to fit in, because I love it here, but knowing I won't. And moreover -- knowing if I lived here 30 years I still would not fit in here because with one glance they know what you are: American.

Oh, they know. Not just because I look like I don't know what I'm doing; sometimes I do. Not just because I look different; this is a surprisingly multicultural society. I don't think I dress much differently, or walk much differently, or smile much differently, but without ever opening my mouth, they know. Maybe it's because I refuse to buy a bike.

A lot of people are very nice, bend over backwards to help, especially through the university. Others, I'm not kidding, meet your gaze and scowl at you. Walking along this afternoon, I got so fed up with this that I started scowling at people who'd done nothing to me. For an hour, I was annoyed at the whole of Dutchdom.

But the point is, however they treat you, they treat you differently.

Virtually everyone here speaks English. Only two out of 60 foreing students speak Dutch -- though that does not excuse me, for they, too, have learned English. I feel like such a loser everytime I speak to a Dutch person in English. It seems rude to just start demanding they address me in my comfort zone, yet it seems unnecessary to ask, "Spreekt u Engels?"

So I don't know how to feel about this language thing -- on the one hand, they are willingly submitting to this linguistic hegemony, acknowledging English as the language of power and prestige. On the other hand, they are very proud of their multilingual heritage, they're almost show-offs about it, and it does make them smarter than the average American. So who's supposed to feel sorry for whom? Damned polyglots.

And as I get to know more people it becomes clear to me that I'm probably not going to make friends here. Now, with a fridge, sink and coffee pot (can at least be used for ramen) in my room and a bathroom on my floor, I can be just as much of a hermit as I wanna be. But that's not what I'm talking about. I plan to attend many of the activities the ENS plans and hang out with international and Dutch students alike. I have been surprisingly gregarious thus far.

But I get the sense that I have absolutely nothing in common with anyone here. Everyone else seems to be all about the pub scene every night of the week, and that has never been, and I hope will never be, my thing. I had fun the other night, but I much prefer small-group drinking at home and I will never be a partier. So I will drink once in a while, I will have that experience, but it does not seem the way to make friends.

But this realization, in all honesty, is fine with me. I'm here for study abroad, in that order: classes I could never take at MC, and travel I may never get the chance to do again. Everything else is tertiary. Let's be honest: if I even made connections here, I'd most likely sever them completely upon returning home. When I think of this semester as a life-changing opportunity, it is in terms of growth as an academic and development into a citizen of the world. And I am not averse to traveling alone.

So that's fine, except Francesca is pretty tenacious about cultivating a friendship with me, and since we live in the same flat there's really no escaping it. Which is fine -- she'll be my lifeline in case I isolate myself too much and decide I don't like it. I try to go to her room at least once for every two times she visits mine, although I find this tiresome and entirely pointless, but it seems the polite thing to do. Which is to say it's the absolute least I can do, but when it comes to socialization here, that's about the most I'm willing to put forth.

Will I regret that in ten years or two months? What a waste to regret things that were right at the time.

I got to talk to Lani and Josh yesterday! But it ws €20 for 20 minutes, so I may never do that again. So good to talk to them, although I didn't get much of a sense for how they're doing and I think I am eminently annoying on the phone -- about 20 minutes of effusive gushing and screeching and acting like I was more thrilled to be here than I actually probably felt. But one bit of information I gleaned -- they are going to be in Bath the same weekend I am! Just as I screamed out that realization my phone card ended, and I hadn't given them my number yet so they weren't able to call me back.

Now that I think about it that is probably when I started to feel down -- not being able to finish talking to them, not being able to call my mom and dad as I'd planned, still not having an internet connection. Though I am not homesick I would like some contact with it, and right now I have just nothing. My mom has my number but I guess she just can't figure out the dialing sequence or doesn't have the minutes. :/

so -- overall -- I'm doing well here I guess because I had no grand expectations. I chose the Netherlands for gender studies, not for itself, and I wasn't looking for lifelong bonds. Basically the only problem is that there's nothing scheduled to fill my days yet, but while solitude used to seriously undermine my mood, I think I've grown comfortable with my self and don't really mind being alone -- now, not then, I do believe "alone is not the same as lonely." I can occupy myself (I don't really think most people can) -- and I can handle this.