It's really strange to realize everyone else is back in class while I have almost four weeks until I start mine. Strange to realize I'll be saying goodbye to Josh and Lani on Sunday while I won't board my plane for almost three weeks. To still be sitting here in an empty house, playing poker and half paying attention to bad daytime tv, occasionally learning Dutch and reading my Christmas books, and doing absolutely nothing worthy of a diary entry.

I feel like I'm in limbo. Between the realizations I came to in my last entry -- that really was more a call to action than empty self abuse -- and the chance to actually do something with them. I'm just sitting here. Counting down the days. Having fun, yes; it has actually been a good vacation. But not really doing anything. Just waiting.

I am so ready to go. And yet I'm more terrified than I can express. Which I suppose is as it should be.

Again I have revealed myself for the financial dumbass I am. In order to pay for my final study abroad program bill, I withdrew most of the money from my bank account and put it in a money order. Allowing another check I wrote last week to bounce, unless it's miraculously not cashed before I receive my loan check. So technically I'm driving without car insurance. And I'm going to pay a non-sufficient funds fee at least once. I pushed my credit card to the limit ($24 short of the limit, to be fair) to cover the last $100 of my bill. So, study abroad is taken care of. I've made a mess of my credit once again to do it, but I won't pay for that for another few years. I am utterly lacking in foresight.

But you see, I really have nothing to talk about. I hate writing here just to say that, but I get antsy when I go five days without updating. Especially after an entry as misunderstood as my last. But blah blah.

I still need the beauty of words sung and spoken
And I live with the fear that my spirit will be broken
And that's the way I thought it would be
That's the way I always wanted it to be
Dar Williams