I'm gonna do this up right quick because I'm not really into it this year. And if you think this ends up being pretty freaking long anyhow, just remember, last year I did it in a three-part series.

This is how it goes:

First, the justification. I know everyone says they hate New Year's resolutions, either because people can't stick to them, because it's an arbitrary date, or because people make shallow, stupid goals. But I have always loved the holiday, once I finally stopped making shallow, stupid goals myself. I think it's a good chance to reflect on last year's highs and lows, the progress, and to set new challenges for yourself for the coming year. Yes, you can do this any day of the year, and I agree if you want change badly enough it doesn't matter what day it is. But I find it a useful symbolic landmark. I think it's a reason for optimism, not dark self-loathing cynicism. So come on peeps, it's 2004, let's do better.

Then, the review. You can read last year's resolutions here, but I'll sum up for you.

- eat no meat and animal products, as far as practically possible. Well, I gave up veganism pretty early on. It is still a long-term goal, but I find it impossible to do on a school meal plan. When I get my own apartment I will go for it, but till then, I'm going to try to stay alive.

- do something to help or stop righteously demanding it of others. Yeah, I guess I pretty much failed here. This year I became way more involved on internet campaigns, and I sent a few paper letters to my reps, and I've hopefully done a few things to change people's minds on a person to person basis. But I haven't done an ounce of volunteer work. I know this is my greatest hypocrisy.

- continue progress in tolerance and knowledge of all religions; explore my own spirituality as it comes up. I strayed away from this entirely this year. For a long time I really felt the need to be a spiritual person. But finally, I think I'm comfortable enough in what I believe, and comfortable enough not knowing, to not feel empty without it. My interests have turned to secular philosophy and I don't think I'm at all worse for it.

- reconsider my conception of love and find some peace with it. This is probably my biggest success of the year, out of the resolutions I set. I guess my new outlook can be summed up by that cheesy movie you can't help but adore: love actually is all around. I still enjoy being single, and I'm still not sure I'd even prefer to be in a relationship. I still believe love isn't meant to last forever. But I think I have a more mature understanding of the organic nature of love and life. The fact is, I love, am loved, and am surrounded by love every moment of every day. I don't need someone to hold my hand for me to know that.

- become more fair and honest in my relationships with others. For the most part I've succeeded here, too. I've stopped keeping up the facade of false friendship, I've stopped waiting for people who don't (well, the person who doesn't) seem to want anything to do with me, I've tried to be more straight-forward with people. And I do feel less fake, and I do feel less guilty.

- be a more dilligent student and worker; earn others' respect and remember what it means to be here. I have improved at this, but not to the extent I hoped. I am an inveterate procrastinator. As I say, I am the best at sucking, ever. But the truth is, I read more and was more prepared for my classes than I ever have been. I pulled far fewer all-nighters. I wrote more solid papers. Still, I had a nearly 4.0 semester, and I wouldn't say I deserved that. Have I earned other people's respect? For the most part. Am I more grateful? Absolutely. So it's a give and take.

- work toward better overal health: eat right, drink eight glasses of water a day, get plenty of exercise. hahahaha... there are times, I'm lucky if I drink eight glasses of water a week! I ran for a while this summer and quickly gave that up. I either eat like a pig or practically starve myself. No, I am definitely not any healthier than I was last year, but I don't think I'm as freakishly emaciated as my entire family seems to think I am.

- figure out what i want out of life: be realistic, but always aspiring. I doubted myself for a while, but now I am pretty certain: I do want to go to grad school and eventually be a professor. It is the only thing I can imagine myself happy doing, remaining in academia. And I know what I need to do to get there. I just have to do it.

Third, the new plans.

- Continue the forward evolution... I know what I mean. Just keep challenging my beliefs and thinking forward always. I can't say what direction this will take; I always try to, and am amazed a year later at how far afield I've gone. I'm comfortable whichever way this goes, so long as it goes. And it will.

- Health issues. I definitely should eat better. I definitely should drink more water. I definitely should do some kind of exercise. I'm killing my body, I really am. I don't have an eating disorder, but I might as well, as gross as my habits are. I educated myself on vegetarianism, I said I wouldn't become a Twinkies-only vegetarian, and now look at me. I have a cold all the time, my periods are irregular, and I'm always tired. I have a feeling all this would stop if I'd just take care of myself.

- Spend less time fooling around on the internet and do something of substance. Whatever it is, I need to get off my ass. Even if only to replant my ass on another surface to read a good book. I need to volunteer, or do more reading for class, or write better papers. Something. I waste so much time. And along with this goes the continued resolution to cut down on procrastination. I can't expect myself to (or even want to) stop slacking off completely (I am so good at it, after all!) -- it's good to take a break, it's good to do mindless things. But senior year, you know, I'm not going to be able to put off my capstone or honors thesis until the night before they're due. It's time to stop being a loser.

- Finally let go, and live. I'm flying to the Netherlands in one month. I don't want a single thing, not any lingering shred of introversion, to hold me back from anything there. While I don't consider myself at all shy anymore, it is amazingly intimidating to go into a foreign country alone, one in which I know only the most rudimentary language skills, and attempt to make it home in five months. But it's going to be an amazing experience, and I don't want to miss a thing. I hope (and I imagine it will) it leaves a lasting mark on my life in this respect: that after this, I won't fear anything unfamiliar, I won't be afraid to plunge into things, I won't hold myself back from living in the fullest sense of the word.

- Dear lord, come up with a logical plan to deal with my astounding debt. Yesterday I was talking to my hair stylist about college, which led naturally to college debt, and she said, with a tone of horror, that her niece just finished law school and has $7000 in school loans. And I'm thinking, are you kidding me? I'd kill for $7,000. Already, I must have well over $30,000. Oh god, it makes me sick to think about it. It feels like pretend money because they keep throwing it at me. I feel overwhelmed and under-informed, and by this time next year, especially if I want to go on to grad school, I must have a coherent plan.

Finally, the cheesy conclusion. Is that it? Hmm. I know I'm in the midst of a lot of change, it's all organic and flowing and I can't put a name to all of it. The important thing is I know what to do -- more than ever, I feel like I know what I'm doing. I am secure and together and focused and in control, and all those positive things I never would have imagined I could be when I wrote my resolutions two years ago. I have good feelings about this year. There's only one direction I can go. I believe that. :Up.

With a torch in your pocket, and the wind at your heels, you climbed on the ladder and you know how it feels to reach too high, too far, too soon: You saw the whole of the moon.
The Waterboys