I spent the day avoiding consumerism like the plague (was happy to notice the library was packed) and reading a biography on Mao and Communism gone wrong, and ended it with the local news: stores opening at 5am, stampedes and injuries, and a pill that can help people suffering from "compulsive shopping disorder." Needless to say, I'm sick, I'm sick, I'm sick.

I suppose it's fair to say this is the first holiday season I've had any real conscience. The first time I cared about anything other than the annoyance of braving the sale crowds. The first time I knew there was something wrong with the angst I always feel that my gifts won't "measure up," the guilt at opening so many packages in a week-long frenzy of holiday get-togethers.

I haven't had a conscience for long, and now every time I open my eyes to any particular horror I get angry, I want to cry, I react extremely. And then I try to rein myself in. And then I try to make something constructive out of it.

So this time the stress wasn't over how to get the most bang out of my small-budget buck. This time, I've stressed myself out over how to give gifts in tune with my conscience, and receive gifts very much opposed to it from well-meaning, wonderful people.

So I wish I hadn't given people Christmas shopping lists for me. I wish I'd said: "I don't need or want anything. Please, give whatever you would have spent on me to a charity, or buy a toy for a child who needs one." But to everyone in my family still so caught up in the normal hyper-consumeristic Christmas tradition -- they would almost be insulted. At best, they wouldn't know what to make of my request. They would give gifts anyway. It's what they like to do.

I told everyone, all I really want is books. And I said, I'd really prefer used books. You can buy more for the money, and you're not supporting evil big businesses. But I know if most of my packages are tomes glorious tomes, they will come from Borders. I will be given Borders gift certificates. I know I sound like a whiny hypocrite -- they are so well-intentioned and I love them for it -- but it's just not what I want.

I think next year I will try to establish a pact with my whole family not to buy gifts for each other. To concentrate on spending time together instead. None of us need more stuff -- none of us really want the stuff we're given. I wonder if they'll go for that.

But in the meantime, since I will be receiving my usual stack under the tree, I will play along. On my terms. I will put together a basket for everyone filled with homemade goodies, recycled paper, eco-friendly household items, fair trade coffee and tea, used books suited for each person and mixed cds, accompanied with a card (100% recycled, of course) explaining my feelings and expressing how much I love to simply spend time with them. Yes. I think that will do for this year.

Yet, I do find it difficult to reconcile my disgust with consumerism and the ease with which I fall right in line. I buy used clothes, but I have a Gap credit card I'm not afraid to use. As much as I prefer used and independent bookstores, I buy most of my books from Borders and Amazon. No matter how comfortable with my natural face and body I am, I'm still very concious of the "look" I am presenting: there is a style of clothing you can associate with Lauren. I am very much a member of the fast food nation. And as passionate as I am, I'm too much of a weenie to be a vegan.

Yes, this, like all other things, is a matter of evolution, a matter of working at changing my habits. But when I'm honest with myself, I know I could try harder. I know I could drive a couple extra miles to go to a family-owned shop rather than logging on to Yahoo! shopping. I know I could spend a couple extra bucks for a garment produced fairly rather than purchasing the Gap corduroy toggle coat I've been coveting manufactured by sweatshop labor in India.

I can do better than that. It would be so easy to just live by the principles I espouse.

When I told my mom today was Buy Nothing Day, she asked me very coldly if I thought I was accomplishing anything. "Do you and the few people who agree with you actually think you're going to change anything?" Her derisive tone, as accustomed to it as I am, made me more angry and hurt than I can say. But don't I have to acknowledge the truth in her statement? Holiday spending is projected to increase by $13 billion since last year, isn't it? What hope is there that people will ever give up this rabid consumer lifestyle, stop throwing their money away, and simply spend quality time with their loved ones?

I don't know. I don't know what sort of large-scale change I expect. By refusing to buy anything today I didn't bring the economy to a screeching halt. I just know I feel better when I shop my conscience. I know I feel guilty when I give in. If the change is only on a personal level, that's all I can ever hope for. And if I can change a few minds along the way, it's worth something.

Here are a few links, if you're interested. If you take my mother's viewpoint, at least you can do what she has not: educate yourself.

Adbusters' Buy Nothing Day Page
Enough Anti-Consumerism Campaign
Overcoming Consumerism

Anyway, that's my tirade. From the agnostic hoping everyone rediscovers the "true meaning" of the holiday season. The one who has made a promise to herself not to say "Merry Christmas" even once. And yes, the one as attracted to 50% OFF! signs as anyone else. Contradictions, ideals and misguided hopefulness. That is what I do.