My sister is convinced I'm a lesbian. Everytime she IM's me lately, it's something along the lines of: "Hi! What's new? Any men, any women?" I find her new directness quite funny. I guess she's been saying things to Mom and Steven like, "It wouldn't surprise me if Lauren was* a lesbian."

(*I don't give her enough credit to speak in proper conditional tense.)

She thinks I'm a lesbian -- because I haven't had a boyfriend in over a year? Because I've only had one in my life? Because I hardly ever talk about boys? -- unlike her own I'm-30-and-have-a-daughter-but-my-life-is-still-all-about-chasing-men self?

If she thinks I'm a lesbian, she must think I'm pretty bad at it. I haven't had a girlfriend, either.

So my whole family is suspicious and homophobic. What else is new.

But what's the big deal, anyway? Why does she put so much effort into wondering about my sexual proclivities? She is more stressed about the very idea than I would be if I actually were attracted to women.

The truth is, I have considered myself theoretically bisexual for a while. Theoretically, I'm looking for love with another person; I am neither in theory nor in fact looking for someone with top reproductive compatibility. I say, we as a society have so cut ourselves off from evolutionary forces and biological instincts anyway, we may as well stop thinking we are in any sense "meant" to be heterosexual.

Well, I don't mean to make a statement or generalize. But for me: all a penis is good for, in and of itself, is transmitting sperm; I don't want babies. I want to love. That's all. The rest of it is just bullshit.

And honestly, if I ever did fall in love with a woman, I don't think I would go through any of the normal "coming out of the closet" strain. I don't think I'd find it difficult to tell my family, my sister notwithstanding. And I don't think I'd ever feel like a part of the so-called gay community. No more than I have ever felt a part of the straight community. I already think it's all right. I long ago conquered any of the social brainwashing I may once have believed. It wouldn't be a big deal for me. I believe sex organs don't determine a thing, and there are about 6 billion different gender expressions. So what does it matter, really?

But it's all theoretical anyhow. I've never been attracted to a woman. Come to that, I'm very rarely attracted to anyone at all. Over and above noticing people are attractive (and I think many men and women are "attractive"), I can probably count the number of times I have been truly attracted to someone -- in the sense that I felt it would be possible to truly love them -- on one hand. And I wouldn't even need all the fingers.

So yes, I am quite choosy. And I say, why further limit myself by halving my options?

But I guess it all comes down to my sister's and my own very different ideas of what love should be. I think she equates love with sex. If not sex, then attention. She really is that immature. She's leaving her husband essentially because she is bored. She says they still love each other, but she is no longer "excited." So she goes "clubbing" every other night, all made up, looking for men and looking for attention. Those men will never, ever love her. I wonder if she'll ever mind.

And I still struggle with how to define love. Well, start with sex: sex can be an expression of love, but a complete love relationship can exist removed from sex. I was about to define love as some sort of deep "soul connection" -- of course, I don't believe in "souls," but it's still an easy way to express it. Love is when you envision someone dying and you can imagine intense anguish. Love is... love is... maybe we should stop worrying about what it is, and start doing it. Love is a verb, not a noun. That much I know.

I want to start calling everyone I love my friend. I think friendship is the highest form of love. Family, you don't get to choose; people speak of having to love their family members, and if you have to, it's not love. And lovers, that implies sex, which is just a thing lovers do, but it's not what makes them people who love. But friendship has no strings attached, no expectations; I just love my friends unreservedly. Lani and Josh are my friends. My mom and dad and Steven are my friends. I'm looking, always looking for other friends. But that's how I want to think of love.

But I'm not looking for your standard, socially-approved relationship, or friendship, if you will. Call me cynical if you must, but I believe love is transient, it changes, it flows. If nothing changes, there is a problem. It's all about evolution. I do not want to make a lifetime commitment to someone because I know I would not be able to love them unreservedly for the rest of my life. I want to love everywhere I can. Every like-minded, full-of-life person I meet. I would be happy in some utopian community of friends, where there is no commitment but there is immense loyalty, where there is love, and no ownership, and children are raised by the community, and everyone loves everyone, and express it as they choose, unreservedly. I suppose it seems like I'm crossing some line into hippie, or even cultist, territory. That just seems a lot more fulfilling, to me.

But let's not even limit ourselves to loving people. This is why I will never understand people who are lonely, or people who believe another person can "complete" them. I love the sunrise. I love the stars. That is love. When you pick up a piece of litter, that is love. When your presence makes your cat purr, that is love. The cyclical nature of the universe, and everything we can learn here, and every single word we say: is love. Love actually is all around. You don't need to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend to love. You just have to open your eyes and look around once in a while.

So that is what I'm looking for. That is what I have. And that is how I define love. I will forever be cynical about most human conceptions of love. But I will never, ever be cynical about love itself.

So I'll stop and I'll watch you, for I love, I love, and then be on my way. And then be on my way.
Dar Williams

PS - Lani, I said "choosy." ;)