I feel I have so much to say, but no way to say it; so here, instead is a pretty decent Friday Five:

List five things you'd like to accomplish by the end of the year.

1. Write a couple A-worthy papers and kick some ass on my finals (4 A's and a B - I will settle for nothing less).

2. Finish my Ravenclaw scarf.

3. Make significant progress in learning Dutch.

4. Complete all my study abroad forms, buy my plane tickets, finish up all the massive bureaucratic hassle -- completely done.

5. Think of something creative and wonderful to do for the holidays on my very limited budget.

List five people you've lost contact with that you'd like to hear from again.

1. There's the obvious: Benjamin. Most days I wish I'd find an email from him. Others I wish somehow I knew I'd never get one again. But he's always there -- I do get tired of wanting a friendship that just can't, and in fact shouldn't, be.

2. Rose - a friend from high school, perhaps the only one I still feel I have anything in common with or have any desire to know. It seems like we have more in common now than we ever did in hs.

3. My former step-grandparents. I had a dream about them this week. They were always so kind to me and I never really said goodbye to them, and since the divorce I really just can't see them. I should send them a card over the holidays.

4. Jeff, who I could only really speak to in Washington, D.C. Stupid high school bullshit -- we could have been good friends.

5. Two here -- Mrs. Monro and Mrs. Kreiner. Two of the most fabulous teachers I've ever had. They've influenced me in more ways than I could count. I should write them both letters.

List five things you'd like to learn how to do.

1. I want to learn many foreign languages. Finish up my Spanish, Dutch because I'm flying to the Netherlands in two months (!), French to read Irigaray and Cixous and Sartre and Beauvoir and Camus in their language. But just everything.

2. How to play guitar. I bought a guitar last year, had no time to practice, and sold it. But it's still a long-term goal.

3. How to manage my money wisely. I can't even balance my checkbook.

4. To ice skate. I've only done it once.

5. To love and understand better -- always to love and understand better (in this moment, I'm almost sure they are the same thing).

List five things you'd do if you won the lottery (no limit).

1. Pay off my student loans.

2. Buy a few nice things for myself.

3. Save a little for a rainy day.

4. Give some to my family -- particularly, I want my mom to be able to go to school or learn violin. I really, really want something for her better than she has.

5. Give the rest to worthwhile causes. I don't need that much money.

List five things you do that help you relax.

1. Scream-sing. Particularly effective: Chantal Kreviazuk, Alanis Morissette, and the Counting Crows (you have to put the mix together yourself, but things like "Catapult" are perfect.)

2. Read.

3. Write - usually here.

4. Sometimes there will be people I can talk to (Josh, Lani, my mom), and sometimes I know I'll just take it out on them.

5. Drive. Oh, driving. I haven't done enough of it this semester.