i am retarded. why did i send that card? i don't even want this. i'm a terrible bitch and i'm playing with his emotions now. i care so much, but i know i don't want it. but maybe things could be different. obviously things could never be different, we've tried so many times before. baaaah!!

i had this aimversation with becky just now and it's really made me think. and i don't know what i want any more than i did this morning, but i am quite convinced that i am retarded.

Becky: howdy!!

fakeplasticmes: hey yo! sup?

Becky: guesssssssssssss what?

fakeplasticmes: ooooh whatty?

Becky: Phil emailed me back yesterday

fakeplasticmes: reaaaaaally? what did he have to say for himself?

Becky: it was creepy 'cause right when I got it I was looking at schools in Penna

Becky: we're still friends and there's still hope, but we hafta make it a 2 person relationship instead of 4+ interferers

fakeplasticmes: very true

Becky: so, we're cool again...yaaaay!

Becky: ooh! Christmasy!

Becky: is that a word?

fakeplasticmes: aaawesome :)

fakeplasticmes: people say it, anyway

Becky: :-* "MeeeeI'm in the moooood for wuvvvvvvvv..."

Becky: ;)

fakeplasticmes: you crack me up :)

Becky: sigh, can't make anything official until Feb 1 'cause Miss & Fishie (Andrea) both agreed that I'm not allowed to have a bf until then so I can recover from the last three

Becky: lol

fakeplasticmes: lol, that's a good rule! i need a rule, like, i *have* to have a bf by feb 1 cause this is just getting pathetic ;)

Becky: hey, enjoy your single-bed-all-to-myself-I-can-do-whatever-I-want-without-a-guy's-permission-days

Becky: 'cause once they're over, they're O-V-E-R!

Becky: :)

fakeplasticmes: i've enjoyed them for 19 years. i've had my fill, i think.

fakeplasticmes: hey guess what stupid assed thing i did today?

Becky: yeah, but think of how simple life is without a guy...

Becky: what?

Becky: not necessarily fulfilling, but simple all the same

fakeplasticmes: i sent benjamin a christmas card.

Becky: online?

fakeplasticmes: simple is overrated.

Becky: or snailmail?

fakeplasticmes: snail.

fakeplasticmes: covered three sides entirely.

Becky: yeah, I guess...complicated is interesting...

Becky: you didn't!!

Becky: what did you say in a ns

Becky: ?

Becky: nut shell

fakeplasticmes: i think i strive to make my life complicated. i don't know why i did that.

fakeplasticmes: ok in a nutshelll...

Becky: lll

Becky: :P

Becky: :p <---man playing French Horn

Becky: lol

Becky: if it's taking this long to type...it's not a nutshell

Becky: unless it's a nutshelll lol

Becky: :)

Becky: ...

fakeplasticmes: ok well, some background, after he said go to hell and wasn't gonna talk to me anymore, i sent him a box of stuff like notes and cute little things i bought for him just because i'm a nice person! :bitter: and then he wrote me an email requesting a phone call and i got all pissed off that he tossed it back to me when III made the last move and so i said no you call me, like the so mature person i am and that was the end.

fakeplasticmes: ok i can't handle nutshell. onto the card.

Becky: kay

Becky: dork

Becky: :)

Becky: dork

fakeplasticmes: i started out by saying i was angry then but i wasn't going to lose my - i am a total dork, yes! - best friend again out of 'practiced stubbornness.' i really liked that line. and blah blah - damn computer - i think we just have a lot of misunderstandings that go way back and if it's not too late i'd like to talk. and i'm sorry if i'm a bitch blah blah. call or write if there's anything left to say.

Becky: I probably would've done the same thing in your situation...but that doesn't make it any less pathetic...(no offence)

Becky: sorry, that was harsh

fakeplasticmes: no, it's totally pathetic. i just can't let it go, i don't know why.

Becky: when are you going to move on? you live 2 1/2 hours away from him and he still has that big of an influence on your life!

Becky: I honestly thought when you left it would be over...but I guess you guys are way deeper than I thought

Becky: and yet...what am I doing with Phil?! never mind...I guess we're two pathetic peas in a pod!!

Becky: lol

Becky: we suck...ya know that?!!!

fakeplasticmes: i think it's some kind of addiction... because no one else has ever known me as well or cared as much... maybe it's just lonliness. i know that i would be so much better off without him in my life, but what can i do...

fakeplasticmes: we really do.

fakeplasticmes: ;)

Becky: after two months total cold turkey w/o him, I went back to HIM!!

Becky: ...

Becky: why are we so self-abusive?!

Becky: all we have to do is forget and move on...but we can't...or maybe we just don't...

fakeplasticmes: we need a really good guy! but i wouldn't want a really good guy, i wouldn't know what to do with him. i'm self-destructive. i'd be a bitch. it's why i'm a bitch to ben.

Becky: I know...

fakeplasticmes: you know i was thinking though - like, i don't get divorce. i don't comprehend how you could really love someone once, and then stop. i don't see how you could ever forget. i feel like it'll always feel this way. you know?

Becky: I often believe that I've lost faith in love...that I'll never find it so I hate myself for trying knowing that I'll fail...

fakeplasticmes: like i didn't speak to him for 3 months before and it didn't change a thing

fakeplasticmes: wow, girl, we are crazy.

Becky: that's what I'm scared of...what if I meet Mr. Almost Perfect and marry him and THEN meet Mr. Perfect for Me...

Becky: would I leave someone I've dedicated my life to or be miserable for the rest of my life?

Becky: ?!

Becky: we're certified nuts

Becky: sounds like organic pecans or something...lol

fakeplasticmes: lol!

fakeplasticmes: i don't want to be in love because i don't like what happens afterward... but i don't like the feeling of alone... it's like ed, your favorite show ;), carol said, 'i'm not afraid of you being my boyfriend. i'm afraid of you being my ex-boyfriend.'

Becky: "I'll never reach my destination if I never try..."

Becky: that's great!! so true

Becky: we have to remember what will happen is going to happen...think of Misti...no faith in marriage, but she almost knew the day she met Jeff that he was the one...

Becky: I believe we dont

Becky: ...

Becky: have any faith in love because we've never had the real thing

fakeplasticmes: maybe we're trying too hard...

i think you're right about that - i believed in soulmates for so long, but i just don't know if i do anymore, because it's been so long with nothing...

Becky: when/if we find a real guy who loves us for EVERYTHING that we are (even selfish, self-destructive, PMSing bitches)

Becky: not if...when

Becky: we will...even if we're 60

Becky: dude!! we're 19 (almost)...oh yeah...Happy Belated B-Day! (sorry) :-[

Becky: 1frickin9! if we live to be 80, we've still got 3/4 of our lives left!!

Becky: ...right?

fakeplasticmes: it's just so hard to walk away from someone who was so close to that... and hard to recover when after everything he finds that he just can't stand you anymore... that's tough - i get if i do something particularly evil, but to hate me for what i *am* ouch.

fakeplasticmes: 19 is so ooold!

fakeplasticmes: 19 and never kissed is so patheeeetic!

Becky: who said love was easy OR fair?! look what love does, how it hurts other people?

Becky: remember...he's not even 18 yet...he's got some maturing to do, too

fakeplasticmes: he totally does, i wanted to write, call me when you grow up, but i tried to keep it civil :)

Becky: "Life's like a movie: write your own ending, keep believing, keep pretending. Someday we'll find it, the Rainbow Connection, the lovers, the dreamers, and me."

fakeplasticmes: i love that! i downloaded it, good stuff

Becky: "All I can be is all I can be and I keep on trying, but there's always a mountain in front of me...seems I'm always climbing, and stumbling, and then falling, and then climbing...but I keep on trying."

fakeplasticmes: you know what's funny is sometimes i go through life thinking no one understands, no one else feels this way, but a lot of people do, and when you read online diaries you start to think *everyone* does. it's comforting, that the world is full of pathetic little people.

Becky: have you ever heard "Bring on the Rain?"

fakeplasticmes: nope

fakeplasticmes: you should start an online diary. they are mucho fun.

Becky: Another day has almost come and gone...I can't imagine what else could go wrong. Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door: another battle lost but not the war 'cause tomorrow's another day and I'm thirsty anyway so bring on the rain."

fakeplasticmes: "Imagine what loneliness will drive someone to do. Now multiply that times me, and multiply that times you. Now imagine what it would take to make this all happen again. And just when you think you're gonna cry, multiply that times ten."

Becky: wow!

Becky: "It's almost like the hard times circle 'round. A couple drops and they all start coming down. Yeah, I might feel defeated and I might hang my head; I might be barely breathing but I'm not dead."

Becky: omigosh!!!!

Becky: hang on a sec

Becky: I have a song that will give you so much peace!!

fakeplasticmes: sweetness

Becky: it's about when you find the right guy, all the hell you've gone through is worth it.

Becky: there ya go...sent with love

fakeplasticmes: yay! :)

Becky: sealed with a kiss! lol

fakeplasticmes: awww :)

Becky: ya like?

Becky: doesn't it make perfect sense?

Becky: and if someone doesn't make you feel like that, then he's not the one.

i have mental problems.

that's enough now.

just to show what a bitch i am... i was so excited when my roommate im'ed me to say that she got a 3.08 gpa! i was so mad because she has nothing but blow-off courses, music and acting. never has any work to do while i'm slaving away. chronically skips classes. and at midterm she had above a 3.5. now the lazy bum doesn't have what she needs to keep her scholarship. i'm more excited about this than when i found out i got a 3.529, dean's high honor list baby. i just want her to feel a bit of reality. next semester she has real courses. i can't wait to see her squirm.

i know you have to go. you have gone before. we are fighting on two different fronts of the same war. but no matter what else i will do, i will wait for you.
10,000 Maniacs