I don't really know where it came from, but I think I lost my best friend again last night. I think he blatantly misinterpreted two things I said, but I didn't even feel like explaining. I'm tired of it. It must not be sinking in because right now I really don't give a shit. I thought things had finally changed between us, but I should have known that he doesn't do change. He will not allow me to change. If I say one thing that contrasts with anything I've ever said in the past, I'm crucified for it. He said go to hell and I said nothing. And then came this email: (it's very tempting to correct the spelling, as I am a spelling nazi, but then again it only makes him look bad...)

why don't you write

I'm a bitch. The only way I can have personal growth is by staying at Marrietta, so I'm gonna move. I wrote a paper that conflicts entirely with everything i tell my supposed friend and ask him for help, but refuse to thank him or actually accept it, but i am willing to let him spend hours on nothing. I'm still selfish; it's not changing. I'm the same person i was ten years ago minus ice skating. I attack my friend and say he judges me just by who i was in the past because giving him a reasonable amount of trust is way beyond my capacity. I attack him for reading an exceptionally mean website made basically to tell him he sucks and is unimportant to me, without actually finding out that he hasn't read from there in months and only wants it there because he doesn't like losing exceptionally large chunks of life. I stress and stress things i want to make clear to him as undeniable truths, such as college choice should not depend on money, then prove it to him by saying the choice for me depends on it. I deny that he has any importance to me; when he comes to me for help i fail to recognize and don't do anything anyway, ad not because i can't, but because i'm too lazy and i like things easy. I tell him he's my friend, but i won't prove it, and i won't show him love; i put down everything important to him and call it a joke but the lightest statemnet by him is blasphemous. I have beliefs and views that change daily and i expect no one to deal with it escept him, because for some reason he's on a different pllane thern everyone else, with whom i can fun and confide in and not attack for dumb things based on absolutely nothing. I ask him what he wants from me; he asks for patience and for me not to always assume he's judging me based on someone he used to know, and i assure him that i can do that for him but i can't. And he's sick of fighting for a friend so i guess he's through again. Too bad he can't leave my lunch table. Guess never talking with me again will have to do.

? That'll probably work.

So I just got out the notebook that I have been keeping for him since his birthday that is ripe with compliments and declarations of undying affection to say:

I'm sorry you feel you've wasted your time. I'm not in the mood to hurl insults back at you tonight. If this is what it has to come to, I'm just tired.

I don't know how you can presume to know everything about me, and presume to know nothing of what you mean to me.

Well, I'm sorry I'm such a fucking inadequate person. But if you don't think I've been a better friend to you, fuck you.

I really hate how you leave me no room for change. Maybe I am a bit too flighty and indecisive, but you yell at me every time I change my stance on any issue. There is the poetic idea of perfect college for everyone, money doesn't matter, and then there is the reality of spending $7000 that just doesn't exist. That is not fair to my parents. I'm not going to say I don't need them anyway so who cares about that. And it's not as if I'd be 'settling' for Hiram. Things change. Life is not all black and white, write it down in a capital-N Notebook and never have a thought in your head again. Do not presume to speak for me and tell me what I believe and then if what I say doen't match up, oh, obviously I am chaaaanging....

Where do you think I do not trust you? I don't get that. I don't mistrust you with any part of my life.

But I guess it doesn't matter now anyway.

You can have this, just because you don't like losing huge chunks of life. And I suppose I do. So you can do whatever you want with it in accordance to what it means to you. Don't even try to guess what it means to me.

If this is not enough for you, then I am not enough for you, and I am sick of it. I don't need your judgments and your insults. I guess some things are just not meant to be.

~You are really good food, and I am full~

~So now you have me completely figured out! You feel sorry for me! I can't express my feelings! I can't tell the truth! I can't tell you anything, and I can't commit! You're right, I can't commit!!! To you. I will always treasure our time together. I don't feel enough of anything to harbor the kind of disdain that you'll maintain. You painted me into what you wanted to see - that's fine! But you will never know me.~

I guess that's it. I really don't care all that much. Maybe that just says he was right. Maybe I'm just tired of the one person I love more than anyone else in the world making me feel bad about myself daily. I shouldn't have come back in the first place. Still I know I'll probably be back again someday. I can't really imagine a life without him. But this is not what I need. Good luck finding a girl who's never gonna change her mind. Not to mention one who can put up with your shit.

Stupid Thing . Aimee Mann