the single greatest thing in the world is to make a complete jackass out of yourself. it's my favorite thing about being home.

becky and i were so excited because misti finally got home from the air force yesterday, completing our jackass threesome. we waited all day, passing time watching dogma (i'm in love with alan rickman! girls, you won't get a fight over ben and matt from me!) and spaceballs (eh), eating 'smas cookies, and dancing around the grocery store singing along to britney spears. like i said, jackasses.

then around 9:30 misti was finally home and we're all, screw time with the family, and abducted her. we took her to eat 'n' puke and acted like jackasses over onion rings and pie. misti told us all about her new boyfriend, jeff, who she says she would marry if he asked. and i am so jealous, because she's always been the most cynical of all of us about love. not fair. people in the booths front and back of us, she tells us of the four-fingered loss of her virginity. nice. jealous again. here, the randomness with which you can meet someone - on a bus - i think i really am trying too hard. sigh.

we proceeded back to misti's place to spread our jackass cheer. we put on martina mcbride - i am not a country fan, but i know a couple of her songs - and scream-sang our lungs out. 'whatever you say' is a terribly good angry chick song, and has personal implications for my single most disastrous relationship (dramatic sigh). we brought out the fuzzy navel (i don't drink; i routinely have my 'one fuzzy navel' ;) and the jackassness pretty much got out of hand from there.

i just have to say - i should have said this to them; i will before misti leaves again - that through all the years and all the 'best friends' and all the groups of friends, and through loving and hating and being indifferent towards each other, those two girls have always been the best friends i've had. they are the only two people i can really count on to be there for me through everything, and the only two people i can really let go with and be that much of a jackass. i love those girls to death.

and as for my supposed one true friend, benjamin, i've been trying to figure out what keeps me hanging on. and a part of it, i think, is that if we end us here because he is tired of my mess, well, someday i will be better, and i will be better for someone else. that kills me, because we've come this far, and i've tried to be better for him. i know i just need to get over that. there's no reason to even care, anyway, if he doesn't want to stick it out for me. it's just really sad that he won't be here for the finished product. if we're friends again someday, i'll be married and happy, and he was supposed to be my maid (man?) of honor. sighwhatever.

ps - and i watched die hard tonight. i'm in love with alan rickman. bruce willis, all yours.

i know you can hear me, but i'm not sure you're listening. i hear what you're saying but there's somthing missing. whether i go, or whether i stay, right now depends on whatever you say.