i'm thinking i'm manic depressive again. or maybe i can blame it on the weather. or 8am classes vs their 1pm counterparts. bah.

i think i'm mostly bummed because it's little sibs weekend and my little sib couldn't come. he was all registered and everything, but my mom can't drive freeways. i even found directions for her that avoided all major highways (and took twice as long), but it just didn't work out. i'm insanely jealous of the happy families reuniting before my homesick eyes.

i've never missed my brother specifically like this before. we never got along when i lived at home, and, quite frankly, i've spent a lot of time despising the kid... he shows obvious signs of spending most of his formative years with the biggest asshole in all existence, and that alone should say enough. he's very selfish, and very lazy. he's such a smart kid, but he never does his work; all he wants to do from the moment he gets up (after noon if he had his way) till the moment he goes to bed (4 am) is play video games.

but i didn't come here to badmouth the kid...

since i came to school we get along much better. it's kind of annoying because when he sees me he acts the way he used to act around janice and mel on their rare visits - extremely hyper - but i know it's because he misses me. my little brother who hates my guts misses me. and here i am, missing him too. maybe just another case of you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

i'm really dragging right now, and i don't know why. i think there's still a part of me that would rather be manic depressive. i think there's still a part of me that thinks it's more interesting to be miserable.

you may have noticed i rarely talk about what goes on in my own life, at least in the present tense, here in my diary. it's been all philosophical ramblings and grumblings about my past. my diaries have always been like this, except for that stretch when my life revolved around a certain guy whose name rhymes with 'ten,' which is roughly equal to his emotional age. anyway, it's not 'cause i'm hiding; it's because i actually have no life.

there is nothing - well, almost - i'm afraid to write here. there is no one i am afraid of finding this. i've given up paper diaries - this is my diary and it serves the same purpose for me as all the old notebooks did. i seem a very private person, i think, because i am not outgoing, but i don't mind telling anyone anything. i'm a closeted exhibitionist. i want to go on the real world. when i saw the truman show with my friends i was the only one not even a little freaked out by it; i actually like the idea of being on my own truman show. i want to be known.

but i digress. i'm dragging. i talk about these great works we're studying in lit, and i am very excited about my walmart adventure (tomorrow, yay), but i really haven't done any work since i came back from winter break. my classes are much easier, and maybe it's just that i have less work to do that i think i can get away with more. but i've only done one reading for leadership. i haven't taken notes in econ or policy. i spend every waking moment of my life on my computer...

i don't know what my problem is. there's nothing wrong in my life, not really. it's only now and then that i'm homesick. it's a little bothersome that matt has suddenly refused to answer my im's, but, it's certainly not the boy...

you know what i think it is? (not that i've ever needed a reason to feel this way, but i like to pretend one exists.) i've lost my sense of direction. i've been questioning things and now i don't know what the hell i'm doing. i'm the kind of person who likes to plan things out - if that wasn't apparent from my obsessive scheduling. but i've junked the schedule i was set on. i'm not doing leadership. i'm not doing economics. and though i'm still doing poli sci - what am i doing with it? what is the point of what i'm doing?

the day after i made my most recent schedule, i was about to say all right, i'm just going to complete my poli sci major, and fill the rest of my schedule with classes that are interesting and pointless. a bunch of humanities courses that could never come in handy on the job, but that would enrich my spirit, or whatever. you know, try a little bit of everything in college, and then focus in on something in grad school.

but i can't allow myself to be that aimless. i need structure - and i hate it at the same time. besides, affording grad school is another matter. it probably isn't going to happen for me.

ugh! this is my problem. when i feel lost, i want someone to swoop in and solve everything for me. i don't want to make major life decisions. i want someone to tell me what to do, and i want everything to be perfect. i'm so lame. i just can't imagine myself ever functioning in the real world. i can't take care of myself.

in the context of leadership class, it makes some sense: i was born on the cusp of two generations, and it's clear to me that i am split straight down the middle, one half lazy gen x-er, one half ambitious millennial. right.

but anyway, enough moping. i can't stand it myself! i'm gonna do the one thing that invaribly cures a bad mood: blast the upbeat oldies and clean the room as busy work. tomorrow i'll be manic again, don't worry ;)

she is trapped inside a month of grey, and they take a little every day. she is a victim of her own responses, shackled to a heart that wants to settle, and then runs away.

in the absence of a place to be, she stands there looking back at me. hesitates, and then turns away. she'll change so suddenly. she's just like mercury. but she's all right by me.
Counting Crows