a long december, and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.

you know i'm not all about christmas. but i'm not disillusioned with every holiday that supposedly has a deeper meaning behind it. no, my favorite holiday, by far, is new year's.

some people have come to this place in their lives where they refuse to set new year's resolutions for themselves, because they have wisely realized that no one ever keeps them anyway.

i still make new year's resolutions - or, you know, 10-day anniversary of new year's resolutions - because this year i've wisely decided not to approach them from the same frame of mind most people do.

most people give up their resolutions the first sign they see of failure. they give up too soon. if you set out any sort of important life change, you can't expect yourself to succeed right away and without setbacks. you have to give it time. you have to allow it to be a process.

no one should ever cease to try to better themselves. and no, you don't have to decide to change on january 1, though it's very useful symbolically. just don't ever stop trying because you've convinced yourself you can't. if you give it time and really try, i believe anyone can accomplish anything. you should set grand goals for yourself.

(so ends lauren's cornball observation of the day.)

so here is a rather rambling, long-winded list of my own new year's resolutions (do i know any other way to express a thought? in a word - wow! - no). i'm expecting nothing of myself but progress on each of these. they're life-long resolutions more than they are specific goals for this year alone. these are just things that are important for me to work toward now.

she don't believe in anything. but if you ask her, she'll say there are plenty of things to believe in.

i'm trying to find something to believe in.

i have spent years blindly calling myself a christian without ever going to church and knowing what that means. i have spent years confused, taking in what my professed atheist friends have to say, and realizing the pure idiocy (excuse me) of faith in most incarnations. and i have spent the last years proudly wearing the banner or atheist or agnostic myself, but finding that i'm really right back where i started, using the word blindly without any proper explanation of why i reject religion.

i am not, nor have i ever truly been, an atheist. i liked to say the word because i've been angry with god and i hate radical right-wing christian conservatives. i said it because it felt good, it felt like the one bold thing i could lay claim to. but i never believed in nothing.

i am a true agnostic and i may always be, because i believe in something, but i know i cannot define it. i cannot imagine that we as human beings can ever define it to the point where we can say, with certainty, that this precise faith and all it stands for is right, and every other one is wrong. that is what i hate about religion. right and wrong, when we are uncomprehending, small, humans. you cannot tell me that the people of most of the world that does not accept jesus christ as their lord and savior is a bad person and is going to hell. i won't ever believe that's right.

but i know i believe in something. it seems impossible for all this to be here without something greater than us at least having set it all in motion. there is so much unexplained, so much that just makes no sense to me. i believe there is a reason for that. i believe, somehow, in something or someone, there is an explanation. but as humans, we cannot understand it.

so i may well be content to be an agnostic forever. i'm looking for spirituality now, but not any one religion. but i do feel that by closing the door to religion entirely i am missing something from my life. i have tried for so long to better myself, and to feel better about myself. now i'm finally realizing that maybe the one thing i was missing all along was something greater than just me.

what i hate about so much of religion is that people follow it blindly. people belong to a certain religion or denomination simply because it is their parent's religion or denomination, and they know nothing else. they are told to think this and that, and so they do.

i want to come to my religion. i want to find it for myself. i know that i could never truly believe in something unless i think it out and decide what is right for me. i can't accept blind faith. i will think for myself.

this year - and as many subsequent years as it takes - my goal is to study every religion i can. to understand their basic principles and decide what i agree with and what i do not. and even more than religion, this will make me a better citizen of the world.

my first focus will probably be on alternative ideas, eastern thought, that involves meditation and the like. this is less for religion per se, more to put me closer in touch with myself. i need to feel peace in my soul. this is a step i will have to take before approaching any religion in a meaningful and scholarly way.

my uncle rick is very involved in this kind of thing, and he's kind of my inspiration for doing all this. i see him, and he's so calm, and put-together, and content. and then i hear him speak of his youth, and i've read some of the poetry he wrote during this time, when he was much more restless and stressed, like i feel now. if he could get from there to here, and he did it by using these kind of methods, than that seems as good a place as any to start.

the purpose of all this is not to eventually decide which religion i will follow. the purpose is to develop my own sort of faith. i believe that religion is a very personal matter, between god (whatever you perceive him to be) and yourself alone. i don't see myself ever going to church regularly, because that, to me, is a barrier. i will form my conception of what it means to be a good person, which is the only true standard of judgement. i can't believe one person will go to hell and another to heaven based on the religion they actively pursued or based on choosing not to pursue one at all. if there's one thing in the universe i have to believe in it is that we will only be judged by what sort of life we led, whether or nor we were a 'good person.' if it's anything more trivial than that, i would have to give up existence as hopeless and unfair, and that would be a terrible way to live.

if there's someone you can live without, then do so. and if there's someone you can just throw out, do so.

one of the first things i must do is get rid of every destructive in my life. this is one resolution that is not a process. this is immediate, cold turkey here. every person who is not good for me and perpetuates my cycles of self-doubt and self-destructiveness, i'm walking away from.

really, there is only one person who fits that description. and need you ask who? i am ending all that here and now. this is the last email i wrote to him:

i'm not really sure what i need to say to you right now.

i decided if i came back to find an email from you i would write back something like 'i figure it doesn't matter whether i call you back and fumble through everything i want to say, or write to you with a litany of perfectly phrased, neverending reasons, or i simply ignore you forever; it all amounts to the same thing: i am leaving, and without much grace.'

and obviously you deserve something better than that, but i don't think a long email of reasons is exactly it.

almost immediately after i sent that card, i regretted it. maybe i should have just left it as it was. i keep coming back because i want to put together this perfect relationship or, failing that, i want to come to a perfect ending. but i guess it's not always like that. sometimes it's just a failed relationship. sometimes, it just ends.

i think, i've just single-handedly destroyed everything about us. i don't know how to be your friend without being utterly dependent on you. and i don't think it has anything to do with you, either, it's just the only way i've known to conduct myself in a 'meaningful relationship.' i think i'd be this way with anyone, i just have never tried for many - maybe not even one other meaningful relationship in my life. and it's gone on so long, not having anything to do with you, that now when i've finally thought about it, as i did for maybe the first time when you vowed never to speak to me this last time, i realize that i don't even know you. and i don't even know any other way to conduct myself with you. i'm just embarrassed by everything i've done, and i don't know what else to do. because to have a 'healthy relationship,' i'd have to become much less dependent on you. and as huge as i feel you are in my life, you want more from me. you want more and i need to give less. i just don't see it working. and i just can't see it ever feeling better than this. that's how i think i know it's over.

i need to figure out a better way of dealing with relationships. because of the way i let you control me, i find i cannot let a real relationship happen with anyone else. remember how you wanted so long to see you had any control over my emotions? surprise, it couldn't have been any stronger. i can't be this dependent. so i'm willing to walk away from you, arguably the person who at times has made me happier than any other and understood me better than any other to see that i will never feel how you make me feel anymore.

so now i know how not to conduct myself in a relationship. i throw myself into the real world now, a little late at 19, to see what else i can learn and who else i can love. it's about time.

can we finally accept and admit that we are absolutely no good for each other? and we don't change. i don't need your judgementality and criticisms of my entire thought process. as much as i've never gotten to really know you, i sure haven't really allowed you to know me, and you don't know me well enough to tell me how i feel about every comment or decision i make. then again, i should not come to you to make every major life decision for me. i'm not going to allow myself to become this dependent again. you're gonna need to reevaluate what a human beng might think or feel or change their mind about before you attempt this sort of thing again. so will i.

i'm trying to find a way to do this well and not hurt you with another idiotic goodbye. but there's no real way to do that. obviously a large part of leaving is finally knowing that i'm not the person that can help you. so i should know that i can't help you feel better by leaving. i'm sure there's someone out there who can be better for you, and someone better for me. and for a while, that's gonna be you to you, and me to me.

i guess this sort of degenerated into a long email of reasons anyway. i guess i can't do this with grace, no matter how i approach it. but i knew it wasn't gonna end pretty.

who knows, maybe another time, another place for us. maybe not. for the first time, i can accept it just being over.

that's all for me. i don't know if this makes any sense to you. i can't apologize anymore. goodbye.

no one else is really such poison to me. and this may only be because i've never let anyone else close enough to hurt me. but should anyone in the future show signs of filling this particular void, i will not let that happen. obviously, i know better than that by now.

turns out not where but who you're with that really matters.

and once i've rid myself of every person who is bad for me, i will try to become closer to everyone who is left. i will surround myself with people who are a good influence, who genuinely care for me, who make me feel good about myself and the world. i will finally begin to let people in to get to know the real me. people tend to instintively and unaffectedly like the fake plastic mes; it'll be a new thing, see how they like the real thing.

and most importantly, i'm going to fall in love. i can't say this for sure, of course; this certainly depends a little on the will of another person involved. thespark.com told me i'm going to have sex at 19 (my current age) and i'll only have sex with one person, so i'd love to take a whole lot of stock in that and believe i'm to meet my soulmate in the next few months. it could happen.

but really, what i mean by that is to put myself in a frame of mind where i am ready to love. i'm not now, that's very clear. i don't know how to care deeply for someone without letting them consume my entire life. i am so afraid to allow someone to be that close to me. when someone gets close, i become alternately difficult and comical, tell puzzles and lies, and eventually my pursuer will give up of frustration. i need to give up my 'cute' little games.

i have a lot of personal progress i must make before i can truly love and be loved. i can't be good to anyone, as insecure and flighty as i am now. i would only fuck up a good thing right now, and another failed relationship would only set me back farther now. so i will just work on myself for a while. when i get my shit together, i will be very ready to find out what a real relationship can be. and once i meet him, the love of my life can carry me the rest of the way to where i want to go. but there is a long stretch i must walk alone.

all you create. all you destroy. all that you do. all that you say.

and the rest...

be healthier. i've gotta start taking my vitamins and eating right. yes mom, all the nagging has worked, you're right, you're right. and find some form of excercise i can stomach, probably walking.

work harder in school. i was doing pretty good the beginning of last semester, but then i started to bargain on what i could get away with and started choosing to do anything that sounded more fun than writing another paper. i skipped more than my share of classes; i cut a lot of corners. i still ended up with above a 3.5, but i could have done much better work. because i know that, that dean's high honors list doesn't bring as much pride as it could. i will keep my focus going on my work all semester this time.

keep my room clean. i am naturally disorganized, but in a small room shared with another person my messiness doesn't make for the most comfortable living conditions. i can't find things when i need them, and i have broken many things that were important to me because they were on the floor. the whole room has been rearranged and i like where everything is right now; i'm going to try to keep it all in its place.

now i am trying to patch up the pieces of broken time. and i am sorry i ran so far away from myself. but i swear i'll be back again.

i'm lost. and i'm not kidding. i've fallen so far away from my center that i can't even picture what it means to be lauren br@y. i've been this amorphous shape, whatever i think i must be in every situation, too bland to be noticed much less needed, moving around with no real purpose or personality. i don't know how or why i let it come to this point. but i'm fed up enough with it this time to seriously do something about it.

i don't have any idea what it takes for me to be happy. i don't know what i want out of life or what i want to give back. all i know is i want to do something worthwhile, and i want to be someone i can be proud of. those are such vague notions, and it's sort of a daunting task to be fighting to find myself with only that to be sure of. but hell, anything's gotta be better than more of this.

i gotta get out on my own. i gotta get up from this waiting at home. i gotta get out of this sunlight, it's melting my bones. i gotta get up from this slumber and get myself home. i can't find my way home.