i had this really great idea for a new year's resolution entry. it was going to be a two-parter: one on the eve with all the old me i was prepared to leave behind, and one on the day with all i wanted to become. and perhaps an interlude to discuss all the relationships i fucked up over the years, just 'cause that's fun.

obviously, it's nearly two weeks since new years. i was going to write it anyway and pretend it was still back then. but then i came back online finally to find something that threw me completely off track.

an email from benjamin.

of course, he called me two times, as well. but i figured i could ignore that if he would just ignore me from now on. mutual ignorance, with no proper goodbye, on and on forever, and i could move on.

curses, foiled again.

i need to figure out what i want, once and for all, i know that. it's gotta be right now, before i complete this diary entry. i can't try to work things out with him, spend some time and figure it out. my new year's resolution is not to sort this out with him. he was what i was aiming to leave behind. the becoming - wasn't supposed to have any part of him.

okay. here's the thing. i truly was prepared for life without benjamin this time. i'm coming back here all neuroticpsychosis out of habit, because this is what i do when i get an email from benjamin, or when i don't get an email from benjamin, or when something else to do with benjamin causes an epiphany. but truly, i don't feel much this time.

i was prepared to move on. i accepted that we are not good for each other, that i didn't need or want him in my life, that - hell, why am i talking in past tense? these things are still true. i think the last time he left really opened my eyes. i'm glad he left, otherwise i wouldn't have had the chance to think about it. i know, right now and in my heart, that i don't want benjamin in my life anymore.

the real question is, then, how to tell him. what i was prepared for - actual past tense - was to ignore him forever. i would be content to let this last relationship end badly and without much grace, and then become a better person. walk away from this, and play everything else well for the rest of time. the whole relationship was ugly - why not the end? why not just call it over, and leave?

why? because he's a great guy. because he's always been a good friend - or tried, he really did. because after everything we've done to each other, the tone of his email tells me that he still wants to be my friend. it's not over for him. and he deserves more than just another wordless walkaway.

i need to give him an explanation... but what i don't know. i decided ignoring was as good as anything when either returning the phone call and stumbling over everything i wanted to say or writing and giving a long list of reasons he didn't want to hear amounted to the same thing: i'm leaving, and without much grace.

i know it's over for me. because i can't envision it ever feeling better than this.

but i don't know how to make him know that without hurting him. i don't want to hurt him again. he deserves so much better than me. he deserves something better than all he's ever seen his whole life: glimpses of happiness in a world of misery. i was his glimpse. how do i take it away with no intentions of trying again and not leave him ... i don't know where.

obviously a large part of leaving is finally knowing that i'm not the person that can help him. so i should know that i can't help him feel better by saying i'm leaving. maybe i should just walk away, leaving him to feel however he needs to feel, and allow either himself or someone else to help him through it. maybe that would be me finally giving up this vaunted place in his life.

i mean i have this 'it's him or me' mentality; maybe i should just get the courage to finally decide ME and leave him to his whateverness.

i just don't know.

but it's futile at this point. i'll be back in two seconds with a whole new set of emotions, because i can conveniently do that, and work on myself for a while.

i would change myself if i could. i would walk with my people if i could find them. and i'd say that i'm sorry to you, i'm sorry to you. and i don't wanna call you, but then i wanna call you, 'cause i don't wanna crush you, but i feel like crushing you.
Third Eye Blind