aaaaaaaaaah!!!!! whaaaaaaaaat??? aaaaaaaaaah!!!

i was just exclaiming the above out loud without knowing i was doing it. that is definitely exactly what i was typing into ims to my friends back home, misti and becky. i am in complete shock.

i came back from a routine nintendo get-together at lani's to find an im from becky saying to message misti right away, we are driving down to florida for her wedding. misti's im said to write back or if she wasn't online to call, because she has big news.

this is nothing short of crazy. misti, one of my two best friends at home, graduated with me, just turned 19, is getting married. she met this kid in the air force back in november, and to hear her tell the story it was a love at first sight thing. she's crazy about him, i know he is about her, too - so i really do believe they are in love. normally i would be pretty disdainful... too young, too soon. and plus, i love misti to death, but she can be prone to rash decisions and headstrong emotions. this is her first serious boyfriend, at least the first i could say was truly based on love. but i trust her judgment, i really do. i think the two of them are the real thing, and i'm sure they would have gotten married eventually anyway. it's happening so soon because his permanent station will be in japan and hers in georgia, and obviously they don't want to be separated. so more than anything negative, my reaction is purely shock. and i'm incredibly happy for her. wow.

chicabotica: not uh!!!!!
Misti: What?
chicabotica: duuude, is this for real?
Misti: Oh, the marrying thing? YES! :-D
chicabotica: when when?
chicabotica: oh my god.
chicabotica: wow.
Misti: Beginning/middle of May.
chicabotica: in florida?
Misti: Yeah, in FL. I should be out of this school and in the FL one by then.
chicabotica: wow. wow. beck said she's driving down for it? i hope i can come, my brother's wedding is around then too!
Misti: Ack! I hope you can come too. We're getting married so soon 'cause he got a Japan and I got Georgia for permanent duty stations, and we do NOT want to be separated. He told me "I'll do anything to keep you." Isn't that sweet?
chicabotica: awwwww! damn, girl, i'm in shock! :-)
Misti: lol I understand.
chicabotica: wow, i'm so happy for you though!
Misti: Thank you.
Misti: Who would've thought I'd be the first.
chicabotica: actually, more like who would have thought any of us ever would have done it! lol
Misti: LOL No, Becca was always likely to.

there are two selfish thoughts this news brings me. one is that if one of the three of us is married, things will never be the same. and if one of the three of us is living in georgia or japan, things will definitely never be the same. why do we have to grow up? why do things have to change? on the one hand i do believe in what shawn told me: that the best is always yet to come. but on the other, i wish once we've found something good, that we know will always be good if things could just stay like that, that we could stop time and stay there forever. i'm being dumb. maybe i'm just too afraid to be as brave as she is, to live my own life. i can't imagine, and i don't want to, living without those girls and 'those people.'

my other thought is that people like diane and misti will say to me, 'if i could find someone, believe me, you will too.' and i just don't think i believe them anymore. if i've been alone for 19 years maybe i'm just meant to be alone. and i know i'm being really, really dumb right now, but it's how i feel. i used to be a hopeless romantic, believed in soulmates and all that. now i've turned into a romantic atheist. i wish i could just say i give up, and stop caring, because if i stopped caring i'd probably stop being lonely. but i can't give up. even if i say i don't believe in love, even if i convince myself of it, i could never stop wanting it. maybe i've never changed, maybe i'm still a hopeless romantic and choose to ignore it. because if i'm honest with myself i could truly say that all i want or need in this world is love. a hand to hold. someone to reach out and touch any time. someone to go through life with. what else is there i could need, if i had that?

and i've been alone so long, i don't know if i'd even know what i'd do with love if i found it. i don't know if i'd recognize love if i felt it. i wonder if there really is someone out there that could see through my craziness to the person inside, and bring her out of me. someone who could make me feel safe and loved and important, and i could do the same for him... i could. but it does no good to sit here and think these thoughts. love will find me when it does, if it does, whether i'm expecting it or not. whether it comes out of nowhere or is already right under my nose, this is accomplishing nothing. so i'm done for now.

i bet you've never actually seen a person die of lonliness. all in good time...
scott miller