i got the sunday afternoon blahs. i should be cleaning mabry's office for the 50th time, but every door to herrmann is conveniently locked. i could be doing my homework, but it's way too early for that. and i want to talk to my mom, but i don't really want to call her, if that even makes any sense...

so i think i'm just gonna reflect aimlessly for a little while. i seem to be good at that.

i pride myself on not being a judgmental person, but in my zeal to denounce the truly judgmental out there, i've become that myself. somewhere along the line i became not just indifferent but nasty and bitter towards religion, citing simple and stereotypical examples of the closed-minded, hateful christian conservatives out there. i've become pretty self-righteous myself, and i have come to hate them myself, more than actually fit into that category, to just about the whole of christianity. now that's not the way to promote tolerance, is it?

i did a terrible thing the other night that's sort of opened my eyes to this. i happened upon another diary that posted this, among other incredibly offensive things in the name of god and being a 'good christian': 'Oh, I forgot to mention what I’m doing this weekend with my church! There’s this trial going on in Philadelphia where this faggot is suing his company for discrimination—it’s so ridiculous. So we decided to gather a few people and picket. I made the cutest sign that says It’s Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve! and I can’t wait to show it off! We hope that maybe when he sees these signs he’ll suddenly realize the errors of his ways, turn to God, and stop his sinful ways. I hate those homos though.'

naturally, this made my blood boil. i can't even explain how angry i was. so without even thinking, without even wondering if there might have been a context to it, (typical of me) i ranted in her guestbook: 'don't talk about how much you love god and how great a christian you are and then say how much you hate 'homos.' love is not a sin. your hate is. and i don't care: i hate people like you.'

well, i'm a jackass. if i hadn't just skimmed the top of the page, i'd have realized that what she wrote was a satire of christianity for her english class. i was embarrassed and mortified and disgusted with myself. i'm just as bad as the people i looked down upon.

and i'm incredibly disappointed in myself, that i came to this. i'm not a religious person, but i don't know when i came to despise all who are. so, yeah, i've found that more often than i'd like my stereotypical view of christians is on the mark. so many hurtful thoughts and actions are carried out in the name of god; so much of religion is so blind. but not everyone is a pat buchanan or pat robertson. and i have lost all objectivity.

but i just can't understand...accept...the mindset.. why can't people just let people be people? just let them live their life?..

we're watching the football playoffs, and my roommate says, 'he's gay, you know.' i didn't say anything. 'the steelers' quarterback is gay.' 'i don't really follow football,' is all i said.

why does it even matter? why do people have to be straight or gay? black or white? immigrant or 'real american'? why can't we all just be people?

so what if a man loves a man? two people love each other. what is better than that? i just don't understand the mindset. people don't understand bisexuality - they think they're, what, confused, selfish? it makes sense to me. people are attracted to people; what has gender to do with it?

they say it's unnatural. well, no, homosexuality has pretty much been part of the world since the beginning of time, including in animals. take an introductory psychology class with an unbiased teacher and you'll find out that it is really quite natural; it's in the brain chemistry.

then they'll say god says it's wrong. and that's when i'm going to get mad.

i'm just your average liberal. i believe in full rights for gay partners: marriage, benefits, adoption.

i believe in the right to choose. it's not the government's place to legislate what a woman does to her body.

i believe in legalization of marijuana. it's also not the government's place to legislate any harm a person might do to themselves. it's only when they harm another person. drugs themselves only harm the individual.

that sort of line of thinking extends to other 'for your own safety' laws. there shouldn't be a fine for not wearing your safety belt. although i surely appreciate mine - thank you very much, mr. ralph nader.

i believe in protection of the environment, at all costs, far past the point of economic responsibility. i'm a crazy liberal, what else would you expect?

i can go on (no to school vouchers, yes to universal health care, affirmative action still has its place, we must pass campaign finance reform) but there was originally a point to my first few statements...

that is: i support, politically, a lot of things that i could never do personally.

i can only see myself in traditional relationships. i could never have an abortion. i'm never going to touch drugs of any sort, which extends to very little alcohol and absolutely no, never, gross, nicotine. and yes, i do wear my seat belt.

sometimes i think it's a little strange that i am so liberal in ideology and so conservative in practice. i can accept all kinds of behavior. 'to each his own,' i suppose, is part of my own personal philosophy. it comes to this: as long as what you are doing does not adversely sffect me or any other person, more power to you. just because i wouldn't - who am i to judge?

i am, in many ways, untouched by the world. but that is by choice; i am by no means ignorant of it. i know what goes on. it's not that i'm too shy that i don't take part in it. it's not that i think it amoral. it just doesn't sound like fun to me.

the most baffling question to a college student: why i don't drink. i don't have a moral objection to drinking. and it's not really because it's against the law, either. i don't drink a, because i simply don't like the taste of beer. and b, because i don't want to be drunk. it doesn't appeal to me to lose control of my senses and make an ass out of myself. oh yeah, i can be pretty goofy at times, but i never want to do something i wouldn't do when i'm sober. and c, i don't want to get sick. just doesn't sound appealing.

got some hard lemonade or a fuzzy navel? yeah, i'll take it. and i'll have one. i have no desire to ever, in my whole life, be drunk.

i can only see myself in a traditional relationship. that's kind of a subjective term, so my definition of that is: one man, and a relationship of mutual love and respect. i could never date someone just so that i could have a boyfriend, even after all these years of being alone. i'm only interested in 'the real thing.' i could never, ever have sex with someone i wasn't in love with and committed to. i will never have a one-night stand. and there are certain sex acts i would honestly break up with a guy over. i am traditional.

traditional is not, necessarily, marriage and kids. in fact, i'm not sure if i envision either of those things in my future. i just want love, whether in my life i find one true love or several, but it has got to be - say it with me - 'the real thing.'

and i speak in terms of being with a man only because i've only ever pictured myself with a man. i would consider homosexual relationships, in some cases, to be within the scope of a 'traditional relationship.' i'm open-minded. i guess the only thing that is out is promiscuous, meaningless sex; the only requirement is real love.

so there are things i'm pretty sure i'd never do. then again, i have broken a lot of promises i've made to myself already, a product of the world i live in. and i'm comfortable with that. and i am certainly comfortable with remaining innocent and naive - unless you would define naive as ignorant; i'm not - for the rest of my life. i'm not embarrassed by it, and i don't wish to be any other way. this is who i am.

but even though there are certain experiences that are wrong for me doesn't mean i think they're wrong for everybody else. i accept (with the exception of the deeply religious..i will work on that) everyone else for who they are, and respect the personal rules and standards they set for themselves. i don't judge people for the things they do when they are not hurting anyone else. who am i - one single person, with no idea why we are here or what is right and what is wrong - to cast any sort of judgment upon anyone else? that's ludicrous.

come to think of it, that's pretty much what i have against the pats buchanan and robertson of the world. who are you to say?

live and let live, man.

when you were young and your heart was an open book, you used to say live and let live. but if this ever-changing world in which we live in makes you give it a cry, say live and let die.
paul mccartney

(that works too. ;)