leadership was sort of sad today. i don't like this reading, but i do agree with richard 'sell-out' rodriguez more than generation ~n (i don't know how to put squiggle on top of n; i'm not gonna look up the code). i don't think you can have it both ways; i think you can never go home again. now that i've chosen this life, i can't go back to my family again - even if i wanted to it would never be the same again. and i don't regret the life i'm making for myself at all. given the chance, i don't think i'd have it any other way. i like where i'm at and where i'm headed. but it's just really sad to think of where i was and the good times i had there, and to think it will never be that way again. but that's life. and i don't have a time machine.

i am going home again this weekend, though, in body if not in spirit. lauren's going home so, despite being very adamant about not wanting to go home again for a while just 2 weeks ago, i've got a chance so i'm going. maybe it will be better since i don't have a need to be home, since i don't have any grandiose expectations. just two girls night outs with moog and a day with rachel getting my bridesmaid dress altered. simple. sounds fun. what could go wrong? *cue the ominous music..*

lani, my heart breaks for you, reading your last entry. i wish i knew what i could say to make you feel better about the whole situation - but even though i've been there and i might even presume to say that i know something of what you feel, there isn't really anything i could say that you don't already know.. and that is that the best move, if you'll make it, is to leave, and move on. but that's so easier said than done, and i know that...

did he just say 'goodbye' and then get offline? jerk! i wouldn't even dignify that with a response...

hard as it is to get over this in any case, it's impossible if you're constantly confronted with him. like me trying not to speak to or think of ben for three months while staring at the back of his head every day in band... not easy. if you think this is the end, and it sure sounds like it.. delete him from your buddy list and block him. it's no good to see his name every time you sign on. absence makes the heart grow forgetful...

don't wish for a clean break. don't wish for a beautiful goodbye. just be glad for the goodbye...

(take everything i have to say with a grain of salt: taking advice from an emotional psycho could be a little iffy..)

anyway, it's not easy. to be that close to another person for that long, and share so much.. maybe you never heal and never forget. but the more you remove yourself from the situation, the farther you walk away from it.. it does get easier.

messy endings aren't nice to look back on. benjamin never even replied to my last email (which was how i think i wanted it to be..), so i don't know how he is, if he's glad to be rid of me, or devastated, or if it didn't really make much of a difference at all. not knowing bothers me more than it should, if i think i'm over him. so i'm not, i guess. as long as there's still parts of me that want him to find this diary, parts that surf through other diaries secretly hoping i'll find his, i'm not over it. but it's easier. and it's better than it was.

lani repeat after me: NO MORE FORMING ATTACHMENTS TO EMOTIONAL FUCK-WITS! :)

(and i won't get on your case about the knuckles, buuut... ;)

anyway, if you ever want to talk i'm here for you. i'll come over, i'll even get over phone-phobia for you :) so i'm here if you ever need me. i never know quite what to say, but sometimes it does help just to be with someone who understands..

with my maps on the table, you see, i have lost many things.. so many, i won't turn back. and were i a deadwood ship, my heart a compass, i would leave with inanimate grace, no love could touch me. but i live and i know that i'll burn as i grow. though it might break my heart to walk away..
dar williams