just a day fading into another i apologize for my last entry. well, i'm not really sorry, and i don't really feel any different now, but i figure the least i can do is explain a little. i sort of only wrote that selfishly for a response, and i got one from lani, who is, to use her word for it, a bona fide goddess.

well, as a means of explaining, here's my list.

annotated bibliography for tomorrow("easy a... but it has to be letter-perfect")
oral report on occupational safety for friday
10-page leadership paper we haven't even started for wednesday
leadership presentation for friday
paper on occupational safety... maybe i should start researching?
6-8 page lit paper, possibly the most challenging assignment i've ever faced... also the most interesting...
and, oh yeah, try not to fail out of statistics and econ.

finals, right now, sound like something to look forward to. i really don't know how i'm going to get all this done... i can't get an a in leadership or econ now, and there's a very good chance i might get a c in one or both. i thought i had a lock on an a in the other three classes, but now, with all this work to do? is it even possible to turn in my best work at this point or am i going to have to settle for just getting it done? i need to keep above a 3.5, and that's going to be a challenge. i do feel like a failure.

i'm incredibly sleep-deprived and i haven't been able to fall asleep during the day all week. i can't focus on anything. i just want this month to be over. i got a 61% on my econ exam, that's barely even a d. i cut my hair. i think i'm getting sick. and yes there are other things i'm not saying, that i don't even have time to worry about right now, but i can't exactly help it.

ugh, enough whining!! this mood just makes me hate myself even more. it's a terrible cycle...

i have to say... the four of you, those people, you are my saving grace. you are my sanity, you are just about all i have to look forward to for the next month, and i love you more than i can say. meanwhile everyone else on earth is seriously annoying the fuck out of me...

i think i hate seeing you guys feel this way even more than i hate it for myself. we're all struggling with different classes and problems; to different extents, we've all brought it upon ourselves. it breaks my heart to see you upset and not be able to do anything about it. i wish i could tell you guys it will all be fine and make you believe it, but i can't even believe it for myself. but it will be fine. it always is, and when you expect the worst like we do, how could it not be? i guess all we can really do is be there for each other. and maybe underneath all the whining, that's all we really need.

and, fine or not, when this month is finally over so will all this shit. the summer will be a welcome break, though i'll miss you guys terribly. i can't wait to be able to relax, see all my high school friends, and make some money in a job i'll actually enjoy. and next year will be glorious... living with and right across the hall from my favorite people in the world? taking six truly interesting and worthwhile classes? yeah, i'll be sweet.

i'll just muddle through until then.

love you all.