boys, sorry for that display over in lani's room just now. you may not want to read on.

and lani, i completely understand what you're going through... argh.

i don't want to be doing this to myself again.

and i am. doing it to myself, that is. knowing that much doesn't really change anything.

yeah so i keep saying he's out of my life completely. and he is... he is. i haven't spoken to him in over four months. i'm a different person around him, and i like myself better without him. but still one line from 'if you're gone' or any of those other sappy melancholy little songs i put on the winamp tonight brings back a flood of memories - and only the good ones. i have to remind myself that the majority don't fit under that category. it brings back all the hopes i had and the things i felt, or thought i could have felt. it drives me crazy sometimes.

and you know what? maybe i have to accept the fact that it will always feel this way.

or at least, it will take more than four months time to get past over three years of damage. we were emotionally weak people when we met... we intentionally made each other weaker still, in the name of our codependent friendship... when it ended, parts of us were utterly destroyed. i'm stronger now than ever, in more ways than i could ever imagine. but in other ways... maybe i'll never truly recover.

saying there were more bad times than good times - that isn't really fair to him or to us. i will always cherish that relationship for what it was, and i do owe so much to him. he may go down in history as the best friend i ever had. and i sincerely wish i had never met him.

we're simply two people who grew apart. it wasn't meant to be. i wish it could have ended any other way, but i can't live with regrets when i know that i am better off in every way i can name. i hope he is too. i really do.

but a part of me still needs to believe he thinks about it every once in a while when one of 'our' songs comes on the radio...

so much for these thoughts. it's over, i'm over him, but these thoughts will never leave me forever. maybe it's a good thing - now i know how not to conduct myself in a relationship, how not to treat a person i love more than i know what to do with. anyhow i think i need a little more distance from it to be able to philosophize about it.

i need more time.

~~~

hah! here's another thing.

guess who imed me last night out of the blue, after months of silence? matt, the kid from ou. i don't think anyone reading this really knows about this - more gory details in the archives. but basically i met the kid while visiting my friend rose, we clicked, he was overeager, i freaked, and said no to him at least three times. not the first time i royally fucked up what could have been a good thing.

(you can guess what kept me from pursuing the relationship. yeah.)

we sort of stayed friends, but i imed him in january just to say hey and didn't get a reply. i took the hint. when i changed my screenname, i didn't give it to him.

last night, he was acting like it was old times again. i told him i thought he didn't want to talk to me anymore, and he never did reply to that. just basic how's school going, when's summer vacation, i'm going to bed now kind of thing. pleasantries? yeah. detached? kind of. before he signed off i told him he was on my buddy list. he said 'woo hoo'. that was the end... what is that?

yeah, but then, he has a new profile which says this:

Time. I used to think that five months was an long time. But when you miss something this good by only five months, it feels like you only missed it by a second.

I would give the world just to hold your hand for a minute, just to feel your embrace for a second, just to feel you lips against mine for an instant. But all the joy that I could get from those actions isn't anything compared to the feeling I get when I talk to you each night.

i have no reason to suspect - besides blind egotism - that he's referring to me. yeah, yeah, it was about five months ago. but then, he doesn't talk to me each night... not yet anyway.

he hasn't said anything to me directly, so it's probably not something worth worrying about.

but i really don't want to go through this again. nice kid. incredibly nice kid, but i can't do this.

i've hurt too many people because i was either fooling myself into thinking i was in love with benjamin or because i was torn apart emotionally in the wake of benjamin. i can't even think about it until i know he won't even enter the thought process. otherwise, i will fuck it up. and that would not help what i've got going on in my life right now at all. i thought i was ready... i know i'm not.

if it means i'll be single forever, there are just some things that cannot be second to love.

~~~

all this makes me feel more 'girly' than i ever want to see in myself. he's always brought it out in me.

in general... i think the only time i ever act girly is when i'm too afraid to say something that's real.

and all i can think whenever we discuss my level of girliness is what he wrote in a note to me one time: 'you are much more girly than i ever would have imagined...'

for whatever that's worth.

~~~

lani, that there's two of us probably doesn't make what we're doing to ourselves any better. but it's good to know someone else understands. i wholeheartedly recommend deleting him from your buddy list, severing all contact forever. i've done that much with benjamin. but there are letters and emails and im conversations that i will never throw away or delete. so i completely understand... do what you are ready for, when you are ready for it.

love you, girl. :)

and everyone, love you! you are what keeps me sane. (or a reasonable facsimile thereof.)

there's a little bit of something me in everything in you.

as for now i'm gonna hear the saddest songs and sit alone and wonder how you're making out...

Just like me you got needs, And they're only a whisper away. And we softly surrender to these lives that we've tendered away.

Don't you know I feel the darkness closing in. Tried to be more than me, And I gave till it all went away. And we've only surrendered To the worst part of these winters we've made..

i don't want you back; you're just the best i ever had.

it may take some time to patch me up inside...

Maybe if we ever coulda kept it all together, Where would we be? A thousand lost forevers And the promises you never were giving me...

did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken, Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong? Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance, five-hour phone

conversation, The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me??

you don't know me now. i kinda thought that you should somehow..

And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists. I never did anything to you, man. But no matter what I try You’ll beat me with your bitter lies, So call me crazy, hold me down, Make me cry, get off now, baby. It won’t be long till you’ll be Lying limp in your own hand.