it's nearly 2 am, and i think i've totally given up on sleep.

but a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. and i would gladly stumble through my morning classes and even risk the impending wrath of the roommate i think i'm keeping up to feel this incredible relief and happiness.

josh, you are an incredible person. i am so grateful to know you and to count you as a friend. your strength is so inspiring to me - i can't even begin to put myself in your place, but i think you are so brave, whether you feel it or not. i know it must be so hard to trust people, and i want you to know that i long ago stopped taking it personally, but i'm glad to have your trust now.

and as to 'THAT' entry, i am so sorry. although there is no way i really could have known that it was a joke, i feel like i should have, and the only thing i still feel bad about now is that i reacted to it so harshly. i should have known better; i should know by now that your convictions are much stronger than that. i am so sorry.

i love you to death, josh, and i am so glad that everything is finally out in the open. please know that if there is ever anything i can do to make your load a little lighter, i am so there. :) thank you so much for everything - the laughs, the insights, the understanding. thank you so much for your friendship. it means the world to me.

cheryl, thank you so much for being there tonight when i had no idea what to think and tears were in my eyes and my hands were shaking. i was too afraid to talk to josh - and it took me a while to work up the courage to im you! :) - so thank you so much for reassuring me then. i would have gone to bed a crying nervous wreck had it not been for you. you are an awesome person, and i hope we get to know each other better this semester.

and amber, though i still have no idea who you are :), thank you for setting this in motion. i don't know if cheryl found me through you or on her own, but you first called all this to my attention with your note. i'm looking forward to meeting you!

i know this has long since become a 'mushy moment.' but i can't help myself :)

and to all of my friends: i am so grateful for all of you guys tonight. i don't know if i could survive college without your incredible wisdom and spirit, and i am sure i wouldn't have survived tonight without it! i don't know what i've done to deserve such amazing people in my life - and maybe i haven't done anything, but i promise you someday i will earn it :) i am astounded by your collective wonderfulness. and i regret that i haven't opened up to many of you yet (it's hard for me, and i'm not completely sure why this is), but i really hope we can become closer in the near future and over the rest of our years here at school.

well, it's now close to three am, and there's not really a point in trying to sleep now.

but it's completely worth it. in so many ways, i don't have to pretend anymore.

if i had a camera showing all the light we give, and showing where the light extends, i'd give it to my friends.

sometimes i see myself fine; sometimes i need a witness. and i like the whole truth, but there are nights i only need forgiveness. sometimes they say, 'i don't know who you are, but let me walk with you some." and i say 'i am alone, that's all. you can't save me from all the wrong i've done.' but they're waiting just the same with their flashlights and their semaphores, and i'll act like i have faith and like that faith never ends, but i really just have friends.
dar williams