futile: dhs trying to convince neil to be an existentialist for just an hour.

hilarious: dhs pretending to be a gi joe figure.

i really love that class... wish i could say the same for any of the others.

i proclaim to you here and now that i am an existentialist...

from my earliest serious forays into philosophy, the one and only idea i found i could entirely believe was john locke's blank slate theory. (locke's not an existentialist - rationalist? - but this serves my purpose.) the one thing i was sure of was that we are all born with no preconceived identity, and that everything we are is shaped by our experiences. there is nothing innate about our personalities that comes from god, or race or gender. that i've always been sure of. and, of course, descartes' 'i think therefore i am'... i can get behind that one, too.

anyway, that is the basic thrust of existentialism... life is a series of decisions, and every one you make creates you. i don't believe in god, or that there is a 'plan' for us or any external meaning to this. i believe we create our own meaning. i've always been very focused on the self ...almost to the point of subscribing to ayn rand philosophy, but not quite... and though i feel i am beyond the more simple selfishness i have revelled in for most of my 19 years, i am still not ashamed to say i am my number one priority. i am concerned with my own betterment; though i feel very strongly about helping others and making the world a better place somehow, this still comes back to making me a better person. my actions benefit me first. and i don't think that's a bad outlook... if it's selfish, i don't think selfish is necessarily a negative thing. my emotional, physical and moral interests come first, but i'm not going to hurt you, and i'll help you along the way if i can.

i have had this moment of 'nausea' - several times, actually. for those out of the loop, nausea in this sense means:

the profound terror that accompanies the realization that when we're dead we're dead, there's no god, no 'plan' for our lives, that we're on our own with nothing to guide us... et cetera...

i remember this feeling as a child - it almost plagued me. i didn't purposefully think about it often, but there were several times when out of nowhere this thought would occur to me: what if there is nothing after this? what if we just die? it made me feel nauseous, quite literally; the pit of my stomach sank, i felt empty and dizzy. i remember running downstairs at 6 or 7 and crying in my dad's lap. i had these thoughts a lot...

it's been some years since i resigned myself to the truth of these childhood realizations. i haven't reached a point where i can say this with utter certainty, but a large part of me truly believes there is no god. that when we're dead... we're just dead. i'm not comfortable with it, though. it still scares the living shit out of me. misti and becky think i'm afraid of death because i don't have any religion... they may be right. but i will never have religion because it just doesn't make sense to me, and i hope i don't always feel this way.

anyway, if you're interested in philosophy i recommend a book by joseph gaardner called 'sophie's world.' it's sort of a survey of every major philosophical idea from the bible to freud behind a fictional backdrop. very interesting. i'm going to reread it over the summer.

this is a diary entry from someone back home who i don't know, who wrote about the guy who killed himself yesterday. just another detail of a strange story i'm strangely unaffected by...

google of the day: 'my mom is ticklish.' i just don't understand half the things people search for...

for whatever reason (might be for a class; i didn't ask) a friend is asking people if they would look at pictures from playgirl if offered, or if they would feel uncomfortable with that. i said i wouldn't but not because i'd feel uncomfortable, not because it's dirty - but because it's gross. she didn't understand that. anyone else think it's just gross? maybe i'm weird... and i know i am.

i found this, and couldn't help myself :) filled it out as i was trying to find the words to explain my existential philosophy...

APPEARANCE

- hair: curly red, way too short and badly layered

- height: i'm getting conflicting data.

- weight: too thin, but i still have a pouch...

- figure: um, i don't know. i think i'm just sort of a stick.

STYLE

- clothing: comfortable. i don't get fashion, but there are things i definitely like. usually i just wear jeans and big sweaters..

- music: everything, but i'm very picky within genres.

- makeup: not much. moisturizer, foundation, eye makeup, takes me five minutes.

- body art: none whatsoever.

RIGHT NOW

- wearing: jeans, white tank, purple button-down shirt

- music: 'yellow ledbetter' pearl jam

- thinking of: existential philosophy

- feeling: on a rare even keel.

LAST THING YOU...

- bought: yesterday at cvs, prescription, milk, lip gloss, hair gel and spray, eyeliner

- did: another schedule... with just one major and one minor and lots of room for fun electives. each class with dhs makes me want to learn a million things more and more...

- read: simone de beauvoir; for fun, lord of the rings.

- watched on tv: the olympics i think, but that was saturday.

EITHER / OR

- club or house party: house.

- tea or coffee: tea. or capuccino-type stuff; i don't like coffee.

- high achiever or easy-going: both, actually. i seem to be the latter more often, but i'm usually perceived as the former...

- cats or dogs: cats, no contest.

- single or taken: single is really fine with me right now; valentine's day doesn't register. but i think i should try out megan's suggestion of stalking and attacking guys...

- pen or pencil: 4-color clicky pens :) pencils get all over my left pinky more. it's not easy being a lefty!

- gloves or mittens: mittens are so frustrating...

- food or candy: food, i'm not real into candy.

- cassette or cd: cd. but i miss my old radio-recorded random mix-tapes.

- snuff or cigarettes: neither, gross.

- coke or pepsi: coke is so much better.

- matches or a lighter: no need.

- sunset beach or the bold and the beautiful: bold and beautiful, but abc soaps are clearly the best. wow is this an old survey; sunset beach is long gone.

- rickie lake or oprah winfrey: oprah.

WHO DO YOU WANT TO...

- kill: my roommate

- hear from: misti more often.

- look like: me with agreeable hair.

- be like: me after a couple good 'projects' :)

FAVORITE

- food: cabbage rolls

- drink: bottled water

- color: the 'cool' colors, blue, purple

- album: pick one? haha... burn yourself some dashboard confessional.

- shoes: my nike tennis shoes, that i don't think i'll ever bring myself to replace.

- site: diaryland, actually.

- song: riiight... download yourself some jonatha brooke 'no better'

- vegetable: cucumbers.

- fruit: pineapple, orange, grapefruit

LAST

- last movie you saw: the breakfast club.

- last movie you saw on the big screen: a beautiful mind.

- last phone number you called: i do it so rarely, i really couldn't tell you...

- last thing you had to drink: cranberry juice which lauren spilled on my carpet... *indifferent grrr*

- last thing you ate: chicken nuggets and hamburger 'cause they're cheap! :)

- last time you showered: this morning, 10

- last time you cried: maybe back to when i made my mom buy another pack of cigarettes.

- last time you smiled: insincerely, probably during one of erin's stories i wasn't listening to. sincerely, in dhs' class.

- last time you laughed: until it hurt in dhs' class.

- last person you hugged: my mom when i left again on sunday.

- last person you kissed: never...

- last thing you said: insincere 'ha ha.'

- last person you talked to online: becky.

- last thing you smelled: my body spray.

DO YOU...

- smoke: ewwww never.

- do drugs: i'd just say no - but i've actually never been asked.

- sleep with stuffed animals: not unless i really need her.

- have a crush: no.

- have a boyfriend/girlfriend: nope...

- have a dream that keeps coming back: no but last night i dreamed that everyone hated me because i was late to janice's baby shower.

- play an instrument: not anymore.

- believe there is life on other planets: yeah, probably...

- read the newspaper: when i get the chance.. mostly online.

- have any gay or lesbian friends: yep.

- believe in miracles: not really...

- believe it's possible to remain faithful forever: possible, but.. i don't really believe in it anymore. i don't believe you could always be faithful and happy and fulfilled. oh well.

- consider yourself tolerant of others: yes when it comes to groups; not very when it comes to individual people. people are annoying. lol

- consider police a friend or foe: friend, but i've been pulled over twice now...

- like the taste of alcohol: not beer, but some of the fruity stuff yes.

- have a favorite Stooge: larry, i was him for halloween one year with ellen and linda.

DO YOU

- believe in astrology: nope.

- believe in magic: no but i love harry potter :)

- pray: nope. but i have, when i'm really worried about people... i don't know who i'm praying to though.

- go to church: no, but i want to sometimes just to sit there and reflect and be spiritual.

- have any secrets: oh, who doesn't?

- have any pets: rocko stimpy and ozzie.

- go to or plan to go to college: for the rest of my life if i have any say in it! :)

- have a degree: not yet.

- talk to strangers who instant message you: i usually give them a chance, but they always want to talk about sex.

- wear hats: i look ridiculous in hats.

- have any piercings: nope.

- have any tattoos: nope.

- hate yourself: no, but i don't like everything about me by any means.

- wish on stars: no, but i like to think of the little prince...

- like your handwriting: printing yes, cursive no.

- believe in witches: no. though misti 'is' one.. :)

- believe in Satan: no.

- believe in ghosts: no.

- trust others easily: too easily.

- like sarcasm: i don't get it all the time, and i can't pull it off myself...

- take walks in the rain: no, but i would.

- kiss with your eyes closed: i imagine i would..

- sing in the shower: not at school or when anyone's home

we lay around just like gurus in borrowed robes... and talk about nothing... well, maybe that's something... maybe that's something more than nothing