first i was a good girl and finished my rousseau.

and since then i've just been aimlessly flitting around the diaryland site, rereading entries and profiles, clicking through favorite diary links to find still more diaries of students here at school, hoping my im windows will blink again soon.

i have nothing new to say on the subject, but my mind isn't straying away from it either. a good friend of mine is gay. i can't deal with the thought of knowing this and him not knowing that i know, and that's without having run into him yet. it will be so hard to face him when i do. the actual substance of the 'secret' doesn't even matter anymore, it's the principle, and it's all guilt and hurt feelings...

i wouldn't have expected you to, of a small circle you'd entrust, have told me this. we're not that close - because i haven't become that close to anyone here. so it's not really that. but irrationally, maybe it's a little bit that. it's definitely not that i think less of or any differently of you. i guess it's wondering if i should tell you, and the thought cycles through my mind: i feel you should know, but if you wanted me to know you would have told me, but if you didn't want anyone to know you wouldn't have posted it all over the internet, so easy to find...

(maybe all it amounts to is, it's none of my business.)

at least, as i hoped and expected, lani found her way to his diary through mine. it's much better knowing someone else is feeling and thinking the same things. lani's probably the best friend i have here, which is kind of a ridiculous statement to make since i rarely see her unless i've coincidentally run into her; the only time i really interact with her is on the internet. just like everyone else, we're not 'that close.' echoing what you wrote tonight, i think we have the potential to be really good friends and yet we are not. it's not easy for me to go about making a really good friend, but i wanted you to know that meant something to me for you to write that, and i feel the same way :) thank you for being there & for being a good friend.

well, no more to say, i guess, and no reason to go on in my melodramatic, rambling fashion... human is human, we do what we can, right? right...

when i heard it for the first time, i could only stand and cry. you were just a boy, we were all so innocent. oh we never thought this kind of thing would happen in our lives, but it broke our hearts and we won't forget, no.
Matthew Jay