it was nice to see everyone at home, and i love them, but home is not a really fun place to be. i don't know why i can't just remember this and stay away. there's a fat disgusting man who's entire existence is carried out in an armchair in front of the tv; when, occasionally, he gets his gross ass up, all he knows how to do is slam doors, scream at my brother, and make disgusting noises. so he just sort of exists there. my brother is... well, he's my little brother. that says a lot. we're too far apart in age to get along, and too close in age for me to be above his maturity level when we're together. and my mom - who is like this ordinarily but it's only exacerbated by the fact that she's trying to quit smoking for the 50th time - overreacts to everything and takes every little comment personally and is, in short... a bitch. i'm sorry, i love her, but it's often true.

so home is not an especially pleasant place. when i look forward to it, i think i'm remembering things that never were.

excuse me, i'm just in a mood. it was nice to be home. friday night was girls' night out, and mom and i went to all the old haunts - wendy's, walmart, borders. nothing extraordinary; it didn't feel like it had been weeks since we did this. we came home and watched fox news channel. the usual routine.

mom told me at dinner that she got a call at work about grandma conlon last week. my grandmother has alzheimers' and i haven't seen her in five or six years. from what i've heard, she's degenerated completely, to the point where she doesn't recognize anyone, she cannot walk, she cannot use the bathroom, she cannot speak a single word of coherent english. it's a horrible, sad, heartbreaking disease. three of my natural grandparents have/had alzheimer's. it is so hard to watch people you love slowly lose their mind. but i haven't exactly watched it. i can't bear to visit the two grandparents who are still living with the disease; i never did see my other grandfather in his later stages. i feel guilty about it on the one hand, but on the other... the person i knew and loved is already gone. it's so terrible, though, because there is nothing wrong with them physically. my grandmother is perfectly healthy.

anyway, a week ago my uncle called my mom and said she should get to the nursing home as soon as possible because it could be any time now. she had some kind of a stroke, and they expected another one to kill her. it didn't happen, but as i understand it they're still on a day to day basis with her. any day now, we're all going to get the call. any day now, i'll lose another grandparent to this horrible disease. and i know already that i will never see her again.

*insert tactful segue here*

saturday was a lot of fun. mel, rachel, janice and chad were all planning to spend the day together and none of them knew i was coming. rachel was so excited to see me and gave me the biggest hug, which made me so happy. and janice, who is now six months pregnant, is so much bigger than even a month ago when i saw her last. she brought pictures from her last ultrasound, and... i guess i must have seen them before, but i was amazed by it, how recognizeable every part of the baby is in them. it's just... amazing. to think there's another little tiny life inside of her... it blows my mind.

so anyway, steven and i joined the foursome and we spent the day at the mall. since there's such a huge age difference between janice and mel and then steven and i we are still 'the kids,' which bothered me around age 16 but just amuses me now that i'm going on twenty. rachel is closer in age to me than to janice, so that kind of brings me into that group. anyway, we just walked around and caught up on what everyone else is up to. janice found this adorable outfit for 'baby pumpkin' that actually has pumpkins on it. it was so perfect.

then we went to borders (yes again... we practically live there) to meet up with mom. more of the same casual, polite conversation. we talked about all the really disgusting, painful aspects of childbirth, and, i have to say, if i wasn't sure i would never have children simply on the fact that children are annoying, the birth process pretty much decided it. my sister is incredibly brave, and crazy.

after janice and chad left, things got interesting... somehow we all got in a political discussion that lasted over an hour. i'm a poli sci major, but i cannot stand arguing about politics. because what it comes down to is not who makes the better point; it comes down to who screams the loudest and interrupts the most. that, in this case, was mel, the lone conservative going against mom, rachel and myself. he tries to explain to steven that democrats are all poor people, women, gay people and minorities - which is why you shouldn't be a democrat. and he thinks the united states can do whatever they want in this 'war on terrorism' with or without the support of the rest of the world. and reagan, bush and bush are the three greatest presidents of all time. if only anything he said had any basis in fact - but he just says things, and he's very proud of the fact that he doesn't vote. ugh. that was an aggravating conversation.

on the way back, we got pulled over for speeding. the cop pulled over another car right in front of us, and then stepped out in the middle of the highway and pointed at us and then to the shoulder. that was scary - just the look on his face. it wasn't a big deal because it wasn't my car and i wasn't driving, but the other three girls were coming back from a weekend in bg, and they had alcohol in the trunk. heidi had to get into the trunk to get her license. i was so scared - because i didn't have anything to do with it. but luckily my pillow was strategically placed over the beer. so there was that adventure.

after this weekend, i don't think i'm going to be homesick again for a long time. i miss my family, but we don't have fun when we're together. there is nothing going on in cf that i want to be there for. i know now, that i'm meant to be here in marietta. i feel at home here finally, and i've found a place for myself. and though it hurts my mom when i say this, i consider this home. i belong here right now.

the really strange thing is, the acquaintances from home are starting to feel less real to me. they barely seem like people i've ever known. in the beginning of the year, i used to think i saw someone from home in every person i glanced at on the mall. then around christmas break, i started to forget who i was remembering from marietta and who i was remembering from home, like the two were blending together. and now, only the people i know here seem real... that made no sense, and had nothing to do with anything.

i'm all into the olympics now, after watching three hours of pair skating, women's slalom (it's not slalom... damn i thought i had it straight now lol) and speed skating last night while i couldn't fall asleep. it just frightens me how not too long ago i was *obsessed* with figure skating and now i cannot remember names at will. of course, names like bereznaya and sikharulidze don't exactly roll off the tongue, but still. keen and bitter disappointment. and oh how i miss torvill and dean right now. (if that made no sense, i'm just stuck in lost childhood melodrama. don't mind me.)

i cleaned out my old email account tonight, which i'm going to let deactivate itself. there were certain messages i wanted to save and keep forever so i forwarded them to myself. every email survey i've ever filled out, nice messages from teachers and friends. emails from when i was the webmaster of the most extensive west wing site, when i was offered interviews on canadian radio and jobs that paid $250/month just to write about the show, when i corresponded with a minor recurring character. i wonder now if that was already the coolest, biggest thing i'll ever be involved in. for the first year of that show, i literally was its biggest fan. i was its internet presence. i found an old fan fiction story i never finished. and there were the really difficult emails, that i still insist on saving in a folder named 'hopeless stupidity.' every email between ben and i since june. i want to keep every word we've ever exchanged, still. i don't know why. i want to believe he does these things too, and i don't know why.

the friday five

or sunday...

1. what's the most romantic thing you've ever done for someone else? this is the most irrelevant subject for me to start my friday five on... umm... i've very jokingly, very subtly hinted at anything romantic in notes. i'm such a fool. ;)

2. [pardon the cosmo question] what are your erogenous zones? neck, back

3. how old were you the first time you had sex? care to expound? i'll tell you all about it... whenever it happens.

4. what's the most unusual place you've ever had sex? in my dreams? lol

5. do you have plans for valentine's day or is it just another thursday? not just another thursday - it's founders' day! :)

spinning freely you could collide, and mercifully, and only, settle. and the gift of union cross breath, and this love, and this life is you could stay now...
jonatha brooke