last entry i said that english is the only class i really enjoy, and not coincidentally it's the only class i have a strong a in. that's not any huge epiphany, but it really tells me something, that even my poli sci class - my major - is drudgery for me. it's too practical and real, like they're trying to mold it into a business major track. all we are studying is models, public policy models! it is excruciatingly boring, because it's practical. i don't want a practical little compartmentalized, defined job! i don't want to study it either.

i'm not considering changing my major for a second. i really like politics in application, and it's the way i want to impact the world. plus, i'm simply better at it, and i understand it better than any other subject. but the truth is, i don't enjoy studying it as much as english, history or philosophy. the ins and outs of governing are not nearly as interesting as political theory, and mc only offers two real theory courses. i'm taking both next year, so i'll enjoy that, but otherwise? i think i'm going to take the bare minimum classes in the department to get the major and spend the rest of my time reading interesting ideas. that's all i want to study... big ideas. you just don't get the same spark from figuring out a complex legislative formulation model as you do from understanding a great piece of literature.

it's so funny because i had my four-year schedule all planned long before i set foot on campus. it was very practical. it made a lot of sense, and the huge combination of majors, minors and certificates fit together well. poli sci major, economics minor (flirted with a double major for a while), environmental studies minor, writing certificate, leadership certificate. seriously, all that could be done in four years. with no room for any other electives. and it seemed perfect to me, because i figured they were all subjects i enjoyed, and the result was pretty impressive. but now that i've been here all these months, and for the first time in my life been immersed in ideas and all this cool stuff, i see that there's a lot more out there.

and i'm completely out of tune with the econ/leadership thing. yesterday dhs said basically that college is a means to the end for most people now... it's what you have to do to get a great career and make lots of money; people don't come out of a sincere interest in learning anymore. honestly, though, i am one of the dying breed that is here purely for the personal experience and the broadening of knowledge. having an actual career is the furthest thing from my mind, and having one that pays substantially is completely off the radar - and i'm sure i'm just naive and stupid, but money doesn't matter to me. this 'false need' stuff we discussed with marx? yeah, i don't have a lot of that. i could live simply - i always have, why not? my mom and stepasshole make $20,000 each, and provide for two kids on that. i figure whatever i'm doing i'll make at least that with my education, and have only myself to worry about. worst case scenario, that sounds workable to me. so anyway, i don't want to be that ambitious millennial leader, and i don't want to be that money-hungry market-aware person kreiner would have had me be. it's just not what i value.

but political science won't change, though i'm a lot more focused on the theory side. that's what's interesting to me. (all the 'interesting' classes are t@ger classes, dammit...) all this made me start thinking about grad school, and ideally i'd love to go to georgetown, george washington, or american and get a phd in political theory. but looking at the web pages, it's pretty clear i wouldn't be able to afford that. i'm going to have so many loans from here already, it just won't happen. maybe if i worked in dc a couple years and then went back to school it could work... for some reason i just can't accept not going to school in dc, but i'm still just a freshman... plenty of time to give up and be boring and practical again. nah - i don't see any real need to be practical if you don't mind being poor. and i really don't. i'll have my little research job at a think tank or something, write, maybe teach a little, make enough money to survive, and i'll be just the happiest little ferret you ever did see.

okay, this week, one way or another, i am getting someone to sign my advisor form! on the one hand, dela@t seems the best choice. she's the professor in my department that i can actually stand, anyway. on the other, there's mabry. she's mentioned the idea of being my advisor before, and she was a poli sci undergrad. plus the woman knows pretty much everything about this school, and i value her opinion, and i think she'd help me come up with a good plan better than anyone else. she's just kind of savvy about those things. plus there's the fact that i have all these crazy dreams that i think she would really understand (remember, this is the woman who writes 'i have a feeling you can save the world someday!' on outlines..) whereas dela@t would probably see them for what they are - crazy dreams. you can tell i'm skewing the argument towards dr o, and that is my instinct. but i'm also thinking i've got a good letter of recommendation from her in the bag already as a labbie. i could get another good one from del@at as my advisor. of course, i'm sure she'd write a good one just as my professor and so will t@ger. i'll have so many classes with both of them. i don't know! stress. but one way or another, i'm going to make myself decide by the end of the week.

well, i've got class so i think i better go now, since all of the above is kind of contingent upon me staying in school. any advice? want to tell me i'm a lunatic who's going to end up in abject poverty? by all means. catch y'all later...