i think i have definitely gone crazy. i can't force myself to wait until i get back to school to do this. i can't wait a reasonable amount of time for things to cool off. timing's never been a strong point. i'm sending benjamin a card today.

i write:

benjamin,

this is probably both inappropriate and unwelcome, but what the hell.

i'm writing this now because i'm not angry anymore. when you emailed me requesting a phone call i was angry. it was like you were requesting me to reach out to you one last time - well, for me sending the notebook was me reaching out to you one last time. and for me, your email was deflecting the next move back to me, and i couldn't say all that and then approach you again with no idea of what the last attempt left you thinking. saying things like 'i certainly won't try anymore' did give me some idea, and whether it was the right one or not, it wasn't exactly encouraging. so the notebook was it. as usual, it migh not have been good enough, but it was what i could do.

but i'm reaching out now because i'm not going to let practiced stubbornness cause me to lose my best friend again. or at the very least, i don't want to go down in history as the girl who screwed you over time and again.

i think there are fundamental misunderstandings between you and i that go way back, and our words so often just compound them. if we could i would love to take a day and go somewhere and for once just really talk to each other and really listen. i could do that. i let it become my running joke that i forget everything and i believed that if you were one of three people i could be a bitch to that showed i cared, but that's not me. i play roles when i think i'm being cute or when i'm really just afraid to do anything else. but it's not me, and if it's not too late, i could show you the real me. if i knew how to show you everything i am and feel, i would. and for my part - benjamin, i wouldn't want a life without you. i don't know how to say what i mean so you'll believe it, but i mean it.

i'm sorry if i never made it clear to you just what you mean to me. i'm sorry that when i have said it it sounded empty to you. i don't know what else. so maybe it's just that two people can really be this incompatible. maybe i just became too much of a bitch to put up with anymore. but i don't know, because it seemed like we were doing fine until the last week there. i'd never felt better about us than i had recently. and i'd hate to throw it all away on one bad week and one really pessimistic, really really ungrateful night (i'm sorry). but maybe it's just not worth the effort anymore. i just wanted you to know that it's worth it to me, and it was beginning to become not an effort anymore.

i know it's probably too late. i'm a pain in the ass, and it may have been a while since i did somehing worth putting up with it. but if this is going to be it, i didn't want to leave it like i did. i just wanted to say i'm sorry, you were the best friend i ever had and i knew it and cherished it but probably never made it clear to you, and i hope you find what you're looking for, and i'm running out of room. call or write if there's anything left to say. it's an open-ended invitation. in any case have a good christmas and everything after.

i'm sorry.

[heart] lauren

this is probably a stupid thing to do, but i've already embarrassed myself with this kid too many times for it to even matter anymore. and it's not like i have anything else to lose to him. it's just - i meant it when i said it was fine with it being over between us. it would probably be good for me if he was out of my life, at least for a few months. i don't know if i mean what i'm saying now. i get a crazy idea in my head and i can't let it go until i've killed it though, so there's no stopping me from mailing this. i'm addicted, really, to him. but honestly, he is my best friend, and that's what it comes down to. he has been there for me always, and i've never felt closer to anyone else, in two-second fleeting intervals, anyway. i do mean what i'm saying now, i just don't know if it's good for me.

first of all, i don't know at all if he's even going to care. he'll probably not have me back. if somehow it does make a difference, then it could be very bad for me. i could fall into the same traps i always have with him. i could make him my life, become completely dependent upon his opinion, and allow him to come between every other human relationship i have. but if i would allow it, he could be so good for me. i could change, and we could be friends, finally.

it will take a while for me to stop caring, if this is the end. see, i don't get divorce. my mom's been divorced twice and if she had it her way it would be three, and i don't understand. if you ever really love somebody, how can you just stop? i understand they all turned into assholes for her, but plenty of times has benjamin been an asshole to me. maybe you don't stop loving, but how do you stop even wanting to have a life together? how do you forget? how do you make it not matter anymore? i don't even see how that's humanly possible. but i guess i'll learn if i have to.

i'm sorry now, and it's too late. i'm sorry now, do you have to hate me? i'm sorry now, so sorry- i wish you wished i wished you love...