(disclaimer: this is rapidly degenerating into the whiniest diary known to mankind. i apologize, and it does make me sick too, but oh well, it's my diary. ;)

it seems, sometimes, that if i didn't have money to worry about, i wouldn't worry half as much as i do.

and i worry a lot.

first, my mom called me back. and i thought it would be one of those rare occasions when i'd hang up feeling better than before, because she said she'd thought of me when she dropped the books off at the library and saw the bench where i used to wait for her sometimes after school. so it was all awww, i love you, i miss you, for a couple minutes.

and it's my own fault i guess, because when we reached a lull in the conversation i said 'oh! there was something i wanted to complain to you about..' and i explained to her my issues with my meal plan. (which, by the way, costs about $1300 for $700 to spend, not $1100, which gets me riled up all over again. and i walked past a small group tour the other day, and the tour guide was telling the unsuspecting prospect about the meal plans and said of the declining balance, 'hardly anyone ever runs out.' (think carol kane in princess bride now:) LIIIIIIAAAAAAAAR!) anyway, that was a natural segue to my mom's concerns about being able to pay her half of the plus loan now that the monthly payments have just gone into effect. 'whatever happened to you saying "it's my college, i should pay my own way"?' she asks, becoming suddenly accusatorial. so i get all defensive and remind her that my first loan was denied and i had to do something quickly and i took out a plus loan, but next year i'll take one out in my name and pay it off when i graduate.

'i'm going to have to take a third job now,' she went on. you can't do that, i said. 'what else am i supposed to do?' i just got mad at this point. fine, next year i'll go to akron u and work full time and live at home. there was almost a full minute of silence. and then, neither of us willing to say something nice and patch things up so both of us didn't feel like shit for the rest of the night, we left it at that.

i'll call her back tomorrow and we'll both feel better, but that doesn't change the situation. i can't tell my dad i'm concerned, because he always, very irrationally, says everything will be fine. my mom will never tell him she's having trouble coming up with her half.

i hate this. i hate never having money. and i'm jealous of all the people who do, i'm jealous of the presents erin's parents bring everytime they come down and of the fact that it's nothing to them to take erin, lauren and i out to dinner. my mom has pocket change by the end of every week. and she works harder than anyone i've ever known (with the possibly exception of mabry).

the worst part is, if i'm going to be in the kind of debt i will be after college, i'm going to have to get a well-paying job i'll hate. i'm going to have to use my econ minor and not my poli sci degree as a selling point. i want to be living in a scummy apartment in dc making less than $20,000, having fun and making a difference. i don't want to work in an office. i don't want the money.

i hate money. it means nothing to me, but i can't afford for that to be true.

and speaking of dc.. oh, beloved dc.. i just got an email that the honors program is taking a trip there in march! i would do just about anything to get back to that city as often as possible. circle k might be going there in the spring as well, but i would love to go twice. i could spend a lifetime exploring that city - and i feel that's where i belong in the end.

but the trip costs $75. and they recommend you bring another $150. and i just can't manage it. i will probably have the money by then, between my workstudy and ebay selling, but for once i have to be practical. i need the money for a car. and i clearly need the money for college. i spent $1000 out of my own pocket to spend a week in dc last year instead of saving for college. that'll have to hold me over for a while.

don't listen to me - one way or another, i am so going to washington dc ;)

you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you'll get what you need.
Rolling Stones