last night ashley and i (the then there were two girls) watched now & then. it's got me in one of those romantic desolation moods again. i'm a lot like chrissy, the prude. and something really struck me when sam talked about how many relationships she's been in, and how many she's run away from. if you don't love you don't hurt, but it's no better to always be lonely.

i'm a little more pathetic than sam because i've never actually technically been in a relationship. i'm 19 and i've never been kissed. there's just simply something wrong with that. i don't care if there are other 19-year-old girls out there who have never been kissed. there is something wrong with them too.

the thing that kills me is that it's not for lack of offers. when i think about how many nice, good guys that have liked me through the years i want to hit myself. i've had so many chances to have had a meaningful relationship - which is what i say i want and why i sometimes pride myself on being single - but i found fault with every one of those guys, when there was nothing wrong with them. it all comes down to my fear - that i cannot explain. when i think about it there is nothing so horrible that has happened to me in my life that can explain the coldness in my heart.

these movies always do this to me. the last time was city of angels. that is a perfectly legitimate movie for hysterical crying, yes. but for me it came with the realization that i am not the girl sitting here waiting for seth plate; i am seth plate, feeling nothing.

(i always see myself as a character in a movie and live my life through fiction. it's a terrible flaw of mine, but it's imbedded. it comes from never having a real life of your own, and it's very hard to learn to live another way.)

the day after i watched city of angels i met matt. matt is a friend of a friend of mine, rose, who i met when i went to visit her at ohio university. we weren't supposed to get along at all, he the right-wing conservative and me the rabid liberal. but we just clicked. aside from politics we had everything in common. and politics, that just turned out to be fun to make fun of each other about. he was so, so nice and so, so funny and just... everything i could have asked for.

so... predictably... i put an end to that.

the fault i found in him was that he liked me too much. imagine that. i cited his constant 'hey beautiful's and 'i'm crazy about you's in the face of only spending 5 hours in my actual company as proof that he was only in love with the idea of love and it had nothing to do with me. you cannot fall in love over the phone and instant messenger, i reasoned. to him, i cited the distance problem.

but the real reason that i cite to you now with time and reflection on my side is this: everytime i get close to a real relationship or i see him getting close to a real relationship, i begin to imagine myself in love with my 'best friend' benjamin. it's a good excuse, he's safe, and i know that it would never happen. there's comfort in that.

i told myself i had to be in love with benjamin, because otherwise there was nothing else for me. i was so dependent upon him that i believed i could never put another guy before him. i was doomed if i didn't love benjamin. and what's more, i actually started to believe that it could work with us. i thought we'd come far enough in rebuilding our friendship that we really trusted each other implicitly, and i imagined i could bring to life what i knew he wanted from me once that i ran from then. i decided i was in love with my best friend, and it was cool, because i wasn't.

he was my safety net. without him, if i fall in love, i fall...

but without that safety net, i now know that there was no reasonable fault to find with matt. and i know i blew it with him, there's no reason to think he would have me back - or if i would even want that, for that matter. but he's coming up to visit rose and i over winter break. he's bringing along a guy he thinks rose would really like. so if he's trying to pair her off, that leaves us and - i think i know what he hopes. and i have to admit, i'm more open to the idea than i ever was before.

i just know this: whether it's matt or someone here at school who i never saw that way or someone i haven't even met yet, i need to open up. i need to really let someone into my heart, my mind, and maybe even (gasp!) my body in a way that i never let even benjamin come close to. i can't live this way much longer - i'm dying inside. and i don't know just what i'm doing yet but i have to try, because there's only so many matts, kennys, jeffs, ryans, mikes and yes, benjamins i can say no to before they just stop asking.

c'mon and.. if you could.. please save me from the ranks of the freaks who suspect they could never love anyone.
aimee mann