when i wake up in the morning, the first thing i have to do before i can even begin to function is to check in on my computer and read my friends' away messages. rose has changed her profile to read, partly: 'As great as my OU pals are, this one goes out to the kids from home: Jess, Ryan, Mike, Kay, and Lauren: I love you dearly.' and now jess' away message reads, 'it's weird how going home for a few weeks makes you miss everything and everyone so much more.'

i know that's true for me, as well. my best friends are still back home in cuyah0ga falls. actually, we are all scattered over the state of ohio. but we belong in cf - our home is in cf. i'm willing to bet right now that they will prove to be the best friends of my whole life. i can't imagine a group ever forming so close again; i can't imagine loving any other group so well.

'they' say you're supposed to make the closest bonds in college, that these are the real life-long friendships. i don't think that's going to be true for me. i have a lot of friends here. there are a ton of people here that i genuinely and tremendously like. i rarely feel lonely; there's always something to do and someone to do it with. but i feel like all these people are just friendly acquaintances. it may be something to do with my lack of outgoingness or my unwillingness to fit into the 'normal' college scene (drinking, sex..). whether it's me or it's them or it's the nature of this place, i don't see myself developing very deep friendships here. oh how i'd love to - and maybe it still will happen.

in all truth, though, cf is feeling less and less like home for me each time i go back. it's the closest thing to home because the most people who love me are still there. but nothing really seems like a true, settled home. i move back and forth so frequently; two months here and a week home, another month here, and a month home, and back here, and then back... i don't stay in one place long enough for either school or the town i grew up in to feel like a place i belong. as soon as i get used to one thing i'm leaving, and i have to readjust all over again. i wonder if i will get used to this back and forth eventually, or if this is just the college student's cross to bear.

this was the same sort of discussion we had in leadership today, how all this globalism/ multicultural stuff, with people living in different countries their whole life and coming from mixed heritages causes people to lose their sense of identity and loyalty to one place. in smaller proportions, that is what i'm going through. too many places of residence equals no one place to call your own, home.

i care about this much more than i ever thought i could. i didn't think it would affect me at all, being away from home. but i long ago realized i was chronically homesick. it's not that i want everything to be as it was; it's not that i necessarily liked things as it was. i wanted a change from that life, and i needed a change. i still do. i belong here in a very logical way - this is what i should be doing. but i also want to belong on an emotional level, which i never find in any particular here and now.

but anyway, this is a very small complaint, and these thoughts are brought on only by the events of the day. i love being here. i love dorm and campus life. when i think about it and take a look around, hey, this is pretty cool. i'm living with a bunch of (mostly) cool girls. we have so much fun together on our floor, and it's really neat how everyone leaves their door open and wanders in and out of each other's rooms. all your other friends are just a phone call and five minutes away. we're on our own and taking care of things ourselves, yet anything we need can be found on campus, which is a five-minute walk from top to bottom.

and more than anything, don't ever let me get away with complaining about all the work i have to do in classes i truly find interesting. english lit, poli sci, leadership - we're reading and talking about some really stimulating, thought-provoking things. how cool is it to live in this little community of ideas? i want to be in school forever, reading and thinking big thoughts.

besides, i might as well get used to it now. i might as well be content with my homelessness. this is how i intend to spend the rest of my life, living hours away from anything i've ever known in washington dc and travelling the world. it's the life i want and the life i've chosen, and there's no way to have it both ways. the days of strong foundations and a hand to hold are over for good. home may always be in cuyah0ga falls, but there's no going back to it now.

you are the reason i've been waiting all these years. somebody holds the key. i'm near the end, and i just ain't got the time. oh, and i'm wasted, and i can't find my way home
Blind Faith